


Drowning

by EndlessRain



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Demon Castiel, Dreams, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Flashbacks, Hell, Human Castiel, Lucid Dreaming, M/M, Pining, Possessed Castiel, Possession, Post Season 8, Torture, implicit sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-21 08:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndlessRain/pseuds/EndlessRain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just weeks after falling, Castiel finds himself possessed. When he realizes that the demon has no intention of killing the Winchesters,  but instead has a much more painful plan for both the Winchesters and himself, he finds that he must fight his own body to save his family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sink

Castiel was comfortable. Well, as comfortable as one could be who wasn’t human before last month. So yes, there were a few complications, and a couple of faux pas that he kept committing, but he was slowly adjusting. 

After he fell, he dragged himself to a gas station, where he eventually convinced the annoyed employee to allow him to borrow her phone, and he shakily typed in the ten most important numbers in the world.

“What?” Dean’s voice barked at him. Oh thank- well. There wasn’t much left to send thanks to, now was there? 

“Dean.” He breathed. “I’m-“ He was what? There wasn’t much to say, was there? Alive? Evidently. Why was he bothering Dean in the first place? Dean needed powerful allies and resources, not another useless human to baby. 

But Cas didn’t have time to explain anything before Dean was interrogating him.

“Cas! Where are you? Oh God, thank God.” Cas wanted to tell him that there wasn’t a point in thanking God, but he decided to ignore the phrase. 

“I’m-“ he turned back to the female gas station employee. “Where are we?”

“Auburn.” She told him, barely glancing up from her magazine.

“Dean I am in Auburn.” He informed his friend.

“Yeah okay, Cas. Let me just pull out my map and figure out where the fuck that is. What state?” 

 

“Excuse me?” Cas turned back to the employee. “What state?”

She snapped her attention away from the sky. “What? ...Washington. Are you drunk, buddy?”

“Not today.” He replied. “Dean, I’m in Washington. “

“…Christ.” 

Cas was silent for a few beats, unsure of what to say next.

“Well… okay.” Dean said, with a sense of finality, and Castiel felt horror flooding through him, as he realized that this was Dean saying goodbye.

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas wanted to say much more, but he knew that Dean wouldn’t want to hear it, so he swallowed the words that hurt too much to say. 

“For what? Just stay where you are, and we should be there sometime tomorrow.”

“You-“but Cas cut himself off, in order to choke on a sob. Was he crying? As an angel, Castiel had never cried, but here he was, human and crying. First taste of humanity had to come sometime, he supposed. 

“…Cas? You alright there buddy? Sam and I are kind of far away, but just stick around in Auburn, and we’ll come and pick you up.” Dean’s voice was tinted with concern, and Cas couldn’t believe that Dean would be so kind. Actually, he could. Dean had never been less than perfect. 

“You’re ‘picking me up’?” Cas asked him, finally. “For… for what?” The employee glared at him impatiently. He sniffled, and held up his hand, signaling that he’d just be a few more minutes.

“’For what?’ Cas, you fell right? Are you-Did you not want to see us?” and Dean sounded so heartbroken that Cas cried harder. He shook his head, forgetting that Dean wouldn’t be able to see him. There was nothing Castiel wanted more than the Winchesters. 

“…Cas? Are you crying?” Dean asked him, suddenly gentle. Cas nodded. “Cas? It’s going to be okay, alright? I know things seem really shitty right now, believe me, they are. But we’ll get through this, right? We’re the Winchesters, we always do.”

“You really want me? Or are you just dropping me of somewhere?” Cas asked him.

Dean was silent for a few moments, before quietly telling him: “I want you. If you don’t want to come home with us, you don’t have to. But we’ve already got an extra bedroom that would be perfect for a new human to sleep in, and if anyone can teach you how to be human, it’s me and Sam. You’re already family, Cas. Now you can be a Winchester, too.”

Castiel’s ears were buzzing with the words _I want you,_ and _you can be a Winchester too._

“How soon until you get here?”

That was about a month ago. One thing Cas has noticed since becoming human, is that time moves a lot more slowly when you have less of it. What was once a bat of the eye was now a decade, and the sudden change was agonizing. 

Every few hours he felt the need to fill his stomach, and every few days he needed to shave his face. It was strange, feeling time pass so slowly, but somehow still feeling constantly overwhelmed by how much there was to do.

A week after arriving at his new home with his family, (and how Cas _loved_ to call them that that) Dean decided that all three of them should take a break from hunting for a while and just rest. 

This of course lasted for about a week before Dean became absolutely bored, and decided that Cas needed a lesson in classic human films.

Warm and cozy on the couch in between his two favorite humans, Cas pretended to pay attention to the film that Dean had excitedly told Cas he would “really love this one, I swear!”. He was actually much more focused on Dean, and how it made Cas’s whole body feel on alert to have their knees touching. Being human was ridiculous. Beautiful and heartbreaking, but ridiculous all the same. 

He forced himself to focus about halfway through, so that he would be able to discuss the movie with Dean afterwards. When the credits rolled, Cas realized that Sam had left at some point during the movie. How could he have not noticed that? Dean looked over at Cas and grinned. “Isn’t that the best movie ever? That plot twist man, great!”

Cas nodded thoughtfully, wanting to connect with Dean. “I think it’s interesting that his friend was secretly himself, but I guess I just don’t understand why they would want to purposely cause violence and destruction.”

“You didn’t like it?” Dean asked, clearly disappointed. 

“No!” Cas lied. “I liked it! Especially the part with the um, penguins.”

“You don’t have to like the movie, Cas.”

Castiel sighed. “I hated it. Why would you want to fight people you don’t even know? The violence seemed… pointless.” He hoped that Dean would forgive him for not liking the movie.

But Dean wasn’t upset. Instead, he laughed, his eyes crinkling upwards in a way that Cas found almost perfect. He smiled, pleased that he got Dean to laugh. “Okay…” Dean said, patting his knee. “Clearly Fight Club isn’t your type of movie.”

“I suppose not. I’m sorry.” Cas offered. 

Dean stood up. “S’okay. I’m going to head to the store for a minute, and see if they have Star Wars there. We ran out of movies to watch. Do you need anything?”

Cas shook his head. Dean smiled warmly. “You know,” he said thoughtfully. “We’ve never owned movies before, Sam and me. It’s pretty nice.”

Castiel didn’t completely understand, but he thought that maybe it had to do with Dean and Sam not owning many possessions before. Cas didn’t own anything, except for maybe his old clothes, which were Jimmy’s, and his new clothes, which the brothers had bought for him. 

Perhaps Cas did understand, after all.

Cas was still sitting on the couch when he watched Dean leave the room, and he remembered wondering what he was going to do with his time while he waited for Dean to return, perhaps see what Sam was up to-when he fell into darkness.

***

Castiel was floating on a cloud. Lying face down, he peered over the edge of the cloud, and watched the Earth spin underneath him. This was a really safe cloud, Castiel decided. He should stay here for a while. 

“Whatcha lookin’ at, Cas?” Castiel looked over to see that Dean was lying next to him, looking down below as well.

Cas smiled. He liked Dean. This was probably the greatest cloud in the whole world, because it was so warm and safe. And now, it had Dean. Cas was glad that Dean was here with him.

“Oh, just your planet. The water looks much bluer from up here. But we both know that it’s actually very different looking on the surface.”

Dean nodded very seriously. “There’s probably a science-y reason for that. I bet Sam knows the answer. ”

Castiel nodded back. He knew that reason as well, but he didn’t want to bore Dean. He might not stay on the cloud, if Cas bored him.

“You always envision Heaven as clouds, why is that?” Cas asked him.

Dean flipped over so that he was lying on his back, and rested his hands behind his head. “I never do. I’ve been to Heaven, remember?”

Cas rotated himself so that he was also lying on his back “I forgot about that. Well, other humans do at least.” 

“Well, I’m not like other humans.”

Castiel absolutely agreed.

A cloud high above them floated past, and Bobby was on it, sitting in his old chair, reading the newspaper, grumpily. Castiel thought about waving to him, but he didn’t because Bobby was probably reading something important.

Dean slipped his hand out from behind his head and grabbed Cas’s hand. “We should probably hold hands, just in case the cloud splits in two, and we float away from each other.”

Dean is really smart. “You’re very smart, Dean.” Cas told him.

He just laughed. “Maybe. Not as much as you or Sammy.”

“I wish you wouldn’t think so low of yourself. I think that you’re incredible.” Cas told him, honestly.

Dean shrugged. “You shouldn’t.”

Cas leaned over and kissed him on the lips. “Humans are by no means perfect, but I think you might be close.”

Dean sighed, contentedly.

A little while later, another cloud floated by, this one more on their level. Anna was sitting on it, in a beautiful silk gown, with Balthazar and Gabriel standing behind her, braiding her hair. She smiled and waved at them.

“They think I’m going to pay them for this, but really, I’m not!” She whispered, mischievously. Balthazar narrowed his eyes at her, but said nothing.

“Hey Cas, wanna hear a joke?” Gabriel asked him.

“Sure.” 

“How many dead angels does it take to cross the road?”

“I’m not sure, how many?”

Gabriel replied, but it only came out as bubbles. Perhaps Castiel no longer spoke the language that Gabriel was speaking. It must have been hilarious though, because his three siblings laughed.

“I can’t understand you, I’m human now.” Cas reminded him.

Gabriel nodded. “Sorry, little brother. I forgot.”

It was at this time that Cas noticed that both Gabriel and Balthazar had angel swords stuck into their chests, and Anna’s skin was slowly burning to a crisp. Had they been like that the entire time, or had it just happened? 

“It’s alright,” Balthazar told him, “we’re dead, anyway.”

They floated away, and Dean turned to him. “How many people do you think are up here?”

Cas shrugged. “Everyone, I think.”

 

***

When Cas awoke, he was sitting upright on the couch, watching the news with Sam. As a human, Cas had discovered that he was definitely was Sam said was called a “light sleeper”, so it surprised him that Sam had managed to sit down next to him, and turn on the TV, without waking him up. 

It occurred to Cas that Sam was speaking to him, but he couldn’t quite hear what was being said. He tried to open his mouth to tell Sam to speak up, but it was too late, words were already coming out of his mouth, and he wasn’t the one saying them.

Panic arose in his chest. What did Sam just say? What did Cas just say? They were both talking now, but it sounded strange, muffled. Castiel felt like he was under water, while Sam and somehow his own voice were above the water, chatting away. 

He tried to speak, but no words came out, so he forced himself to concentrate on the words that were coming out of his mouth.

“Anyways, I’m going to turn in, I’m kind of tired.” Sam was saying. This was understandable; he had been sleeping a lot lately, trying to regroup from the aborted third trial. 

“Okay. I’m going to stay up and wait for Dean.” Castiel felt himself saying.  
 _I didn’t choose to say that and I can’t control my body,_ is what Cas tried to say, but the words slammed themselves around in his brain, refusing to come out of his mouth. 

It took him about another six seconds of panic before he realized that he was being possessed. 

**_Well… took you long enough, Castiel,_** a thick, sneering voice replied.

Oh, why didn’t Cas get that possession tattoo right away? They had made an appointment with Dean’s friend Bev, who Dean swore up and down, was the best place to get a supernatural tattoo, and he was going to get it done next week.

 ** _Yeah, that’s why I possessed you today, instead of next week, genius,_** the demon said, and if voices could roll their eyes, this one did. **_Well technically, I’ve been inside you since breakfast at that diner, but I didn’t take control until about an hour ago._**

 _I will end you,_ Castiel threatened.

 ** _Not likely, due to your new adorable humanity, but thanks for making me feel welcome._**

Castiel pushed for control over his own (Jimmy’s) body, but every time he felt like he might be able to, the demon shut him down. Cas had never felt more hopeless in his life. He watched as  
Sam rose up from the couch, patted Cas on the shoulder, and went off to bed. 

The panic that had momentarily softened spiked when Castiel realized that Dean was coming home soon, and would be left with a demon in the place of his friend.

 _Dean will know it’s not really me,_ Castiel thought desperately. _Dean knows me better than anyone._

**_That may be, brain buddy, but that doesn’t mean that he’ll recognize that it’s not you. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I am quite the actor. I’ve been practicing that cute little head tilt number you do for weeks._ **

_It doesn’t matter,_ Cas told him, _Dean will know._

Cas tried to say more to the demon, he tried to scream and take control of his body, but waves crashed over him, and he felt himself being pushed further down into his own skull. 

**_Goodnight, Castiel._ **

***

Castiel was in the middle of the ocean, on a small rowboat, with the Winchesters. The sky was  
grey, and the water was still. 

“Cas, what the hell are you doing?”

Castiel opened his mouth to tell Dean that obviously he was trying to find a paddle, but words refused to come out. 

“Well,” Sam sighed. “If you’re not going to help us, you need to get out. Can’t have extra weight around.”

Dean nodded. “Sorry buddy. But hey, look on the bright side: if you get your angel powers back, you won’t drown!”

Cas tried to remind him that that wasn’t possible, but he was too busy being lifted up by the armpits by Sam. Sam handed Cas to Dean.

Cas looked up at his friend, who could hold Cas in the palm of his hands. Did Cas shrink or did Dean grow? Dean lifted up Cas so that he could look into his enormous eye.

“Call me from the bottom, okay?” and with that, Dean flicked Castiel, and he was flying through the air, the wind whirring in his ears.

***

When Castiel came to again, his body was already up and moving around. He couldn’t see  
anything, which caused him to panic again before he remembered that he was possessed. He wondered if Jimmy ever forgot that he was being used as a vessel and panicked like Cas did. Castiel was starting to feel much more empathy for Jimmy than he had before.

He concentrated on trying to connect himself to his senses, so that he’d be able to see. He could hear Dean’s voice, and it sounded like he was talking to Cas. Dean.

**_Oh, hey there Sleeping Beauty. You didn’t miss much, just a few days of hanging out with the Winchesters. The demon’s icy voice rang through his skull. A few days? He’d been unconscious a few days?_ **

Cas ignored the demon, and searched through his brain for a way to see.

**_You won’t be able to see, baby cakes. I blocked off that sense for you. Sorry, I know how desperately you want to see Dean’s beautiful face._ **

_I want to make sure that my friends are safe._ Were the boys okay? Were they safe? Images of a pair of battered Winchesters swept through his mind, as he imagined the worst. 

**_Oh, don’t be so dramatic-they’re fine. See?_** And with that, Castiel had access to his own (Jimmy’s) eyes again. 

Cas’s body was sitting upright at a small table, sitting across from Dean. Dean was smiling at him, his eyes crinkling proudly in the way that he does when Cas says something Dean determines is brilliant.

Cas navigated his sight so that he could look around. They were in a hotel, with a couple of duffel bags tossed onto the closest bed. Dean had a coffee cup in his hand, and his other hand was…placed on top of Dean’s?

**_Oh did you notice that? The demon asked innocently. Well, let’s just say that Dean and I have been getting very…close. These last few days._ **

The demon unmuffled the sound for Castiel. “...I’m just really glad that we did this, man. I’ve been aching to just kill something, you know?”

Castiel felt his face twitch in concern, which is exactly what he would have done if he had been the one in control.

“Oh, don’t give me that look, Cas. You know what I mean. Just a simple hunt. Get in, gank it, get out.” He squeezed Cas’s hand, and if Cas concentrated hard enough, he could almost feel the sensation of Dean touching him. 

In becoming human, Castiel found himself yearning for actual physical contact. As an angel, making connections through touch were so unnecessary that they were practically irrelevant. 

When Dean had found him after he fell, standing under cover at the gas station to avoid the heavy rain that had settled over the town, he had ran up to Cas, and pulled him into a tight hug. Emotion spiked through him, and through squeezing back his friend, he felt a sigh of relief escape his lips, as if by simply touching Dean, he could confirm that things could be okay. That was the second time that Cas cried after falling. 

“Anyways, I’m going to go call Sam, alright? He’s probably worried sick about us. I gotta go make sure he didn’t annoy Kevin to death.” And with that, Dean patted his hand, and stood up. 

“We uh, probably should go to bed after that. Long trip back tomorrow. I’m hoping we can make it in one day.” He picked up his phone from the table and headed out the door. 

**_I got Dean to take me on a hunt, just the two of us,_ ** the demon taunted 

_What are you doing? If you planned on killing them, you would have done it already. So why are you possessing me?_

******_Can’t a girl spend some time with her old pal Dean without his boyfriend getting all uppity about it? Actually, I can’t remember if I’m a girl or not. When I was human, I mean. I could have been, or I could have been an extremely feminine man. That’s funny. I guess I don’t have a gender anymore._ ** ** **

Castiel was frustrated, and absolutely done with this demon. And what did he (she?) mean by “old pal Dean”? Had Dean come across her (him?) in an old hunt? Was this some sort of revenge plot? 

_How many days has it been?_

**_Eh… it’s hard to keep track. Six? I think? Yeah, six. Because the first two we just watched a bunch of movies, let me tell you, your boyfriend really loves his movies and then-_ **

_We are not romantically involved._

****_Yeah, you don’t have to tell me twice. See, I knew that he was into you, that’s partially why I picked you over Sam, but then when I get into your head, I was pleasantly surprised to see that oh! The feeling is mutual._ ** **

_I… I don’t know what you’re talking about._

****_Yeah you do. Don’t try and lie to me sweet cheeks, we share a brain. Anyways, I’ve just been using it to my advantage, and soon I’ll have that boy wrapped around our finger._ ** **

This was when Castiel realized that the demon’s plan was much more complicated than a simple murder or two. 

Castiel tried to scream, tried to scream for help, tried to scream Dean’s name, but it was very much like the nightmares he had experienced after falling-the intention of screaming very prominent, but no sound coming out, leaving a sensation of helplessness and frustration. The only difference is, in nightmares he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t scream, and he could actually wake up. 

The demon chuckled to himself, and rose from the table. He undressed Jimmy’s body, and Cas felt bitterness over his complete lack of control wash over him. Dean came back into the hotel room by the time the demon was finished changing into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. 

“Sam’s been really worried. He’s such a mom, sometimes.” Dean grinned at him crookedly. 

Castiel thought it was funny that Dean was calling Sam motherly, when Dean was the one who wouldn’t let either of them leave bed for the first few days after the Fall, bringing them their meals in bed, even though Cas had felt fine. 

“You would have done the same thing if Sam and I had gone out on a hunt together.” The demon shot back, and Castiel was shocked by how similar the demon sounded to himself. It was strange hearing his own voice say things that he probably would have said, given the chance, come from something that was not himself. 

Dean chuckled. “That’s true. I guess we mother each other.” He came over and sat on the bed next to the demon. “It’s kind of in our nature to worry about each other.” 

“I’ve always admired how deeply you two care for each other.” The demon told him. Damn him, because that’s exactly how Cas felt. The Winchester’s brotherly bond ran deeper than any other relationship Cas had ever seen, and he had always admired them for it. Cas may have been closer with a few of his brothers and sisters than others, but looking back, he could honestly say that he didn’t love any of them. Not the way that Sam and Dean loved each other. Castiel hoped that one day they would love him the way they loved each other. 

Dean knocked his shoulder with Cas’s. “Hey, buddy. What’s on your mind? 

Castiel felt his shoulder’s shrug. 

Dean frowned. “No, not-“ here he shrugged his shoulders dramatically, imitating the demon. 

“Tell me what’s up.” 

The demon sighed. “I’m happy we saved all those people.” 

“Yeah, those vamps were creeps. Keeping humans hostage like that? That’s crazy. But…” Dean gestured for the demon to go on, signalling that he knew that there was more. 

“I’m just glad you’re alive. Sam is not the only one who worries about you.” The demon  
admitted. 

Dean’s eyebrows wrinkled in concern. “Cas… I…” 

The demon patted Dean’s thigh cheerfully before standing up. “Well, I’m going to go shower. I got kinda very sweaty 'ganking' all those vampires today!” 

Dean laughed at the demon’s awkward phrasing. “Okay, buddy. But, shouldn’t you have done that before changing into your pajamas?” 

“Men don’t wear pajamas, Dean. You taught me that!” 

Dean laughed again, and Castiel, despite the circumstance, could still appreciate the beauty of that rare sound. “So I did Cas. So I did.” 

Dean slept in one bed, while the demon laid in the another and pretended to sleep. Castiel felt his eyes moving over Dean’s sleeping figure appreciatively, and after a few moments he remembered that the demon was in control of his eyes, not him. 


	2. Immerse

“Hey Cas, have you ever considered that you might need glasses?” Sam asked, handing him a beer.

The demon took the beer and shrugged Jimmy’s shoulders. Cas had come to realize (bitterly) that the demon was nothing but fantastic at imitating him. He would have been upset that the Winchesters hadn’t noticed Cas’s possession if the demon didn’t have such an impeccable Castiel impression. The demon often bragged that he was once an actor before he was a demon, famous even, but Cas happened to find himself not caring. 

“No, I’m serious Cas.” Sam insisted. “The way you always squint at things? I used to think it was because you were thinking really hard, but now that you’re human, I see you doing it all the time.” 

“So?” Dean asked, gruffly. “Maybe he just likes squinting.”

The demon and the Winchesters were sitting at the main room table, which was covered in dusty book. They were looking for something case related, but Cas couldn’t remember what it was. He felt lucky because today the demon had given him full access to his senses; he could see, hear, and feel, all of his surroundings. Some days the demon will cut of his hearing and sight, so he’s back to being submerged in water, drifting. He’d almost say that he would prefer to be put unconscious like he is put some days, but then he wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on what the demon is doing. 

No, he’d rather be conscious and unable to know what is happening, because then at least he’d be able to tell what his own body is doing. 

At least the demon had been ignoring him lately. 

“Shut up, Dean.” Sam retorted. “Here Cas, read this.” Sam handed the demon a book, and gestured for him to read it. 

“’Demonic possessions have not been historically known to be coincidences. When a demon possesses a body, it usually takes great care in choosing it’s victim. Occasionally, a demon will choose it’s victim through random choice, but still taking precautions in choosing one that has a healthy body, so that it will be durable.’ Sam, why am I reading this?”

Sam shrugged and took back the book. “Huh. I guess you’re fine.” 

The three fell into a silence as they went back to their research. 

**_Hey Castiel, pretty funny that the page he handed me talks about demon possession. Y’know. Because I’m a demon. And I’m possessing you?_** This was the first time since the hotel room with Dean that the demon has decided to speak to him, and that was over a week ago.

 _I see no humor in this situation._

**_Yeah, probably because you’re an angel, and angels don’t have a single ounce of humor in their- oh wait. Sorry, you’re not an angel anymore, I forgot._ **

_How could you have possibly forgotten? You’re possessing my vessel. ___

The demon’s icy voice roared with laughter, shaking Castiel’s skull. **_Hate to break it to you, Castiel, but this body? Not your vessel’s anymore. It’s just yours. Remember how you unceremoniously kidnapped Jimmy Novak and destroyed his life? And uh, oh yeah. Got the guy killed? I’m sure he hasn't forgotten._**

Guilt washed over Cas.

**_Tell me Castiel, when did the guy end up dying, anyway? ‘Cuz unless there’s a third person squished in here that I don’t know about, he’s long gone._ **

Cas choose to ignore this question, and instead focused on what he usually did: finding a way to take control of his body back.

**_Fine, be that way. I thought we could bond, since we’re roommates and all, but I’ll just figure it out on my own. No ‘Story Time With Cas’ today._ **

And with that, the demon dug his claws through the recesses of Cas’s mind, going through his memories like they were papers in a file cabinet. 

**_Ah, here it is. Ooohh, that long ago huh? Do you think it hurt when all of those Purgatory souls were ripped out of you? I bet they ate him up alive._ **

Images of black goo and blood flooded Castiel’s brain. Cas could see himself waking up on the edge of the dirty lake, naked, and truly alone. He hadn’t understood the feeling of vacantness in his mind when he awoken, and had chalked it up to simply being lonely. It wasn’t until a year later, when the memories were punched back into him, that he realized that Jimmy was dead.

 _Stay out of my memories,_ Cas hissed. The demon laughed at him.

Cas scrambled about his brain, attempting to lock away some of his more personal memories  
from the demon. The demon went back to ignoring him, choosing to turn back to his book. 

Panicking over what else the demon might discover, he found himself pushing back memories to the furthest corner of his mind, barely paying attention to what they held. At one point he wasn’t even sure if what he was hiding was important, just that they were his and he wanted to protect them. He may have lost his grace, his powers, his family, and Jimmy’s body, but he wasn’t about to let the demon take himself.

Cas stopped abruptly when he felt something touching his body. It took him a few moments to realize that from underneath the table Dean had rested his leg against Cas’ from the other side of the table. His stomach started to feel queasy, and he was brought back to the time that he had watched Fight Club with him, the day the demon possessed him. 

The demon made eye contact with Dean, and Dean offered him a small, secretive smile. This was a private moment, something between Dean and the demon. Cas felt his heart drop, as he remembered that that smile was meant for him, not for the monster that was currently in control of Jimmy’s body. 

Cas felt his foot being lifted off the floor, as the demon started slowly rubbing Cas’ foot up and down Dean’s calf. Cas remembered seeing this in a movie before, and Sam had explained that it was a way that humans flirted-what was it called again?

The demon smiled back at Dean, and Cas felt a surge of rage fill his skull. The demon had no right to be flirting with Dean! He wasn’t his to flirt with. Dean didn’t know that Cas was possessed, so for all he knew, he was flirting with Cas, not a demon. Cas had felt anger many times in his life, but he had never felt rage like this before.

There had been times when Cas watched Dean flirt with women over the course of their friendship, and although it had made Cas feel annoyed and sometimes slightly envious, he had never been angry, like he was now. 

There was a small part of his brain that was proud of himself for realizing what the demon and Dean were doing was flirting. There was also a very large part of his brain that was realizing that this was what hatred felt like. He had felt anger many times in his life, a lot of it surrounding Dean. But this felt much stronger, bubbling in his stomach. He could physically feel it. Cas had never hated anything before. Not any human or monster, not any of his brothers or sisters, not Crowley, not even God.  
But this demon, oh yes, Cas hated this demon.

Dean and the demon were smiling at each other stupidly now, and Cas wanted nothing more to be the one that Dean was really smiling at, rather than the demon. 

Cas had become aware that Sam was staring at them, looking rather amused. As soon as Cas became aware of it, the demon did as well. 

Sam coughed awkwardly, and the demon and Dean looked over at him. “So… find anything?”

Dean closed the book in front of him. “Nope. This book’s got nothing we need.”

Sam grinned at him. “Right… because you _totally_ read everything the book might have to offer.” He quirked his eyebrows at his brother, and Cas had the feeling that this was one of those silent conversations the two were known for. 

Dean scowled. “What is that supposed to mean, Samantha?”

Sam shrugged in a way that meant he knew exactly what it meant. “I dunno, man. I’m just saying, it seems like you were a little preoccupied with something else.”

The older Winchester blushed, and Cas felt a flutter of affection for the emotionally stunted man. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, dude. Now, did you find what we were looking for?”

Sam nodded, switching back into hunting mode, and turned the book so that Dean and the demon could read. He started to talk about the case, and Cas forced himself to listen to what was going on. He knew that he had forgotten was the case was that they were on, and bothered him. He had been conscious when Sam had presented the case to them, but he had found himself not paying close attention. 

Even now, he found his attention slipping, as he drifted.  
He floated about in his skull, not quite sleeping, not quite awake. He felt comfortable, like when you first wake up in the morning, and you’re not in a hurry to go anyway, so you can just lay under the blankets, thinking about nothing.

His attention was once again snapped forward at the sensation of being touched. Sam was patting his shoulder. “You sure, Cas?”

“Oh yeah,” the demon replied. “I’m just really tired. This seems like a simple salt and burn, doesn’t it?”

What? The demon didn't want to go on the case? He had been so thrilled to go on the last one with just Dean. Perhaps the demon didn't want to deal with other demons who might reveal his identity to the Winchesters? Or, Cas realized, the demon had different plans for Cas.

Sam seemed to consider it. “Okay, man. You don’t have to come.” He turned to Dean. “I’m going to start loading up the car, alright man?”

Sam heading towards his room, leaving Dean alone with the demon and Cas.

Dean looked at the demon strangely. “Are you… are you okay man?”

The demon squinted. _I do not squint nearly as much as you’re making me,_ Cas protested. 

“What do you mean?” The demon asked.

Dean shrugged, looking at the floor. “I… I don’t know. You just seem… different.” 

Cas felt a surge of hope. _He knows!_

But the demon just smiled sweetly at the hunter. “I am human now, remember? Maybe that’s what’s so different.”

Dean nodded slowly. “Yeah… you’re right. Anyways, you sure you don’t want to come with? Should be a pretty easy hunt but… y’know…” he shrugged, and looked at the floor again. 

**_God, could this guy be any more pathetic? The demon giggled. Seriously, he’s being a teenage girl about this whole thing._ **

Oh yes, Cas definitely hated the demon. 

But Dean grinned up at the demon, and threw his arm over Jimmy’s shoulders. “I’m sure you’ll have plenty of fun moping around the bunker though, huh? Maybe you’ll finally find time to finish Star Trek.”

Cas mentally scowled. When did he start watching Star Trek? Upon learning that Cas had never seen the show before, Dean had promised that the two would start watching it together, but that was before the possession. The demon must have started watching it with Dean while Cas was asleep.

The demon swung Jimmy’s body around so that he was facing Dean, and wrapped his arms around his waist. Dean made a noise of shock, before placing his other arm around the demon as well.

“Be safe.” The demon whispered into his neck. 

Dean’s voice was suddenly very gentle. “I… I will, Cas.”

“I worry about you.” The demon confessed. “I can’t heal you like I could before.” And damn him, because that was honestly one of Cas’ biggest regrets with his newfound humanity.

Dean moved back so he could look at him, keeping his arms firmly around Jimmy’s body. “I know that. It’s okay, I’ll be fine. Stay here, watch some Star Trek, and when Sam and I get back, I can try and convince you that Kirk is better than Spock.”

The demon smiled. “Not likely, since Spock is clearly the superior character.”

Dean laughed, and hugged him one last time. “Yeah, okay. See you in a few days, Cas.”

The demon sat on the couch with his hands folded. The door to the bunker slammed shut, and the demon started laughing, out loud.

“Now Castiel, we can have some fun.”


	3. Suffocate

Cas opened his eyes and stared up at the stars as they moved around him, forming words. He tried to make out what the words were saying, but he couldn’t read them. He knew that what the stars had to say weren’t important, anyway. He sat up, giving up on trying to read the moving constellations. 

He was sitting in the backseat of the Impala, previously lying in Dean’s lap. Sam sat driving in the front seat, his silence deafening. 

Dean was asleep, sitting upright, and leaning against the window. Cas was very happy that Dean let Cas sleep in his lap, he had a very comfortable lap. Sleeping may be inconvenient sometimes, but it made him feel good. 

It was dark outside. The black sky blanketed the Impala comfortingly. 

Cas squinted out at the road ahead. “Sam? Where are we going?”

“Ah,” Sam said, eyes never leaving the road. “So you’re awake!”

Realization slapped rudely slapped Castiel in the face. “No, I’m not.”

Sam shrugged. “Same difference. Awake, asleep. Either way, you can’t move your own body.”

Cas nodded. “It’s very frustrating. I can’t say I’m not disappointed that this isn’t real.” Sam hummed in reply. He turned down a long stretch of road, gravel crackling underneath the tires.

“Dean would never let you lay in his lap like that.” Sam pointed out. “So that’s how I know this is your dream.”

Cas nodded again. That was very true. Sam’s pretty smart, and he was glad that he was in his dream with him. 

Sam turned another corner, and drove the car into a tunnel. “Almost there.” Sam noted. Cas wasn’t sure where ‘there’ was, but he thought it sounded nice.

“Sam?”

“Hmm?”

“I wish you guys would realize it’s not me walking around in Jimmy’s body.” Cas confessed.

“I do too, Cas.” Sam sighed. “Hey! Maybe we do know, and we have an elaborate plan to save you.” He added, hopefully.

Cas shook his head. “No, you would have done something by now, if you knew.”

Sam hummed again. 

“And that’s another thing, Sam. It’s been about two weeks and the demon has done nothing but flawlessly impersonate me. It hasn’t killed anyone, or done anything remotely evil.” Cas slumped in his seat. “I don’t understand what it’s plan is. What does it want with me?”

“Maybe it just wants to hang out with us.” Sam suggested. 

“And, it keeps flirting with Dean.” Cas complained.

“Maybe it just has a crush on Dean. He’s very handsome.”

Cas rolled his eyes. He very much wished he was talking to the actual Sam, who might’ve had some actual insight. In fact, he wanted this Sam to go away, now. It only reminded him of his predicament, and his dreams were supposed to be an escape from that. 

Dean shifted, and rolled his head towards Cas. Cas felt a pang of sadness, knowing that this too, was a fake version of his friend. His advice would probably be just as useless as dream Sam’s. Still, it would be a much more pleasant dream if Dean was awake. Cas reached across the seat and shook Dean’s leg. 

The hunter opened his eyes and smiled warmly at his friend. “Hey, Cas.” He said, sleepily. “Are we at the end of the tunnel, yet?”

Cas looked up through the windshield. They were completely surrounded by the tunnel. “Not yet, there are still a couple of miles left.”

Dean nodded his way through a yawn. “Yeah, didn’t think so.”

Cas ached for the real Dean.

Dean took his hand, and held it. “Hey, don’t look so sad, buddy. I’m here, now.”

“If this was really you, would you be doing this?” Cas asked the dream, gesturing to their hands.

Dean shrugged. “Probably not. I don’t know. I’m not really him.”

Cas knew that. He patted the hand holding his. “I know that, Dean.”

“Guys, we’re almost there.” Sam reminded them.

***  
It wasn’t so much that he woke up; it was that he stopped dreaming. Locked inside his mind, he could only feel his body moving around, but not what was happening. Of course, his vision and hearing was cut off.

He could tell that Jimmy’s body was doing something strenuous, although it was no problem with the demon doing the actual work. He remembers doing plenty of activities as an angel inside of Jimmy, that would have caused a normal human to tire, but feeling no actual tiredness himself. 

Sometimes, while possessing Jimmy, he would put him to sleep, as the demon had done to Cas, but at Jimmy’s request. Towards the end of his life, he requested it more and more, until Cas had put him into a permanent sleep. Cas was really glad that Jimmy was finally resting.

Although when he thought about it, Cas really missed Jimmy.

Looking through some old scrapbooks, Castiel? The demon sneered, suddenly very attentive. 

_What are we doing?_ Cas asked.

The demon laughed, and went back to ignoring Cas. 

Cas went back to drifting beneath the waves for a while after that. 

***

**_Hey, Castiel._ **

Cas was busy floating. He was very warm and comfortable. Why was someone trying to talk to him? How annoying.

 ** _Castiel._** A sharp pain jolted through his brain, and he snapped back to attention. 

_What? What do you want?_

**_You’re ignoring me!_ **

_What am I supposed to do? You won’t even let me see what’s happening. Why can’t you just leave me alone? ___

__**_Well, I’m done with what I was doing. You can see now._ ** _ _

_The veil of blackness was lifted, and Cas could see through Jimmy’s eyes again._

_They were standing in the middle of the bunker. Cas looked around as much as he was able._

_The bunker looked completely normal._

__Did you set traps around the bunker to hurt them?_ _

_**_Hmm. Good guess, but no._ ** _

_Did you…_ Castiel tried to not think _did you take off all the protective wards_ , because he realized too late that it wasn’t in his or the brothers’ favor to give the demon ideas, but it was already out and floating around his brain before he could stop it.

**_Nope, everything I did, I did outside of their precious little home. Oh, and Castiel? Don’t try and hide your thoughts from me, it doesn’t work. Everything you think, I can hear. Including your sweet little dreams._**

Cas felt a flush of embarrassment, as he remembered some of his dreams. 

**_Oh, don’t be so embarrassed, it’s kind of cute, you know?_ **

Cas chose to ignore this, and started looking for memories to hide. 

**_I mean really, this big bad angel of the Lord, saves a guy from Hell, and then falls in love with him. It kind of sounds like a fairy tale. I mean, it would if he loved you back, but you know… details._**

_Stop._

**_Oh, don’t get me wrong, the guy cares about you. You’re like a second Sammy to him. But ugh, if he knew that you had the hots for him! He’d probably flip out._  
**

_Please. Just stop._  


****_Now, I don’t think he’d kick you out or anything like that. But he’d never look at you the same. The guy’s so ridiculously straight he’d probably have a heart attack if you even tried anything._** _I… I wouldn’t try anything. And you’re not telling me anything I don’t already know._ And with that, the demon plucked a memory from the back of Cas’ mind, and shoved it forward. **

_Birds. A park. Flashes of children running and playing and giggling. All of it still shining beautifully because of Dean Winchester’s bravery and refusal to do anything he didn’t believe in. A confession: “Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?”_

_“Okay.”_

_“I’m not um, ‘hammer’, as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong any more. ”_

Quick as the memory fell was thrown at him, Cas pushed it away. Those were his, and his alone. He didn’t want to share his time with Dean with the demon. 

_You have no right to be looking at those. Those are mine._

**_Well, I don’t exactly have a right to be inside this body, and neither do you, really, but here we are, Castiel._**

_Please, just… stay out of my memories. It’s all I have left._

The demon strolled around the bunker, nosily going through books and drawers. “Castiel.” The demon said, out loud. 

_What?_

The demon stood moved so that he was standing in front of an old mirror that the boys had found and hung. It grinned, and Cas could see all of Jimmy’s teeth. “It must kill you to hear me speak, when you can’t.” 

Cas tried to not respond, but his brain automatically screamed _YES! I hate it!_

He laughed. “Stop trying to force your thoughts down, it’s impossible. Unless you don’t want to think at all. Which I could arrange.” 

_No!_ he panicked. More laughter. “Okay, Cas, we’ll keep you active. But since you’re up-“ 

Cas felt another memory being thrown at him, but he attempted to dodge it. Unfortunately he didn’t actually have any way to escape it, being trapped in his own mind. It grabbed hold of him, and he plunged under. _Burning. Everywhere, it was burning. Castiel had never even slightly felt uncomfortable before when it came to heat, but in that moment, everything was burning._ _Smiting his way through hoards of demons, he scanned through the endless miles of the sinners, both the tortured and torturing, until his eyes landed on one soul in particular, that was broken and hurt, yet shining, righteous above all else. He reached over and plucked the soul up. _Dean Winchester is saved._ Cas punched his way out of the memory, struggling to concentrate on anything else. _

_I don’t want to do this, please._ He begged. 

“Well, I do. It’s fun. I like learning about you, Castiel. You have a lot of interesting tales to tell.”

_Surely, you must know enough about me if you’re here, doing this._

“True, but I still like to see your side of it, you old romantic, you.” The demon analyzed Jimmy’s face, holding his jaw and looking at each side of his face.  
“Hey, good job picking a hot vessel. Next time I possess someone that isn’t you, I’ll make sure they’re just as hot as this one. I bet Jimmy got lots of action, huh?” 

 

_Jimmy was a faithful man to his wife._

“Yeah, but I bet he and his wife got up to some crazy shit, right? They were probably really kinky.” Cas could not express how uncomfortable he was with this conversation. Jimmy had died because of Cas’ selfishness, and then Cas managed to lose control of his body anyway. And now Cas was sitting here, listening to the second being to take over his body disrespecting him. 

“While all those things may be true, my friend, you’re forgetting something. I’m a demon. I’d dig around in Jimmy’s memories too, if I actually gave a shit. I bet the most interesting thing they ever did was have sex with the lights on. You’re much more interesting.”\

 

The demon rolled up his sleeve, and glanced down at his forearm. There, in shiny black ink, lay an anti-possession tattoo. 

Cas’ heart dropped. What happens to people when they get anti-possession tattoos while being possessed? Was he stuck that way forever? Did that permanently incase him in his own mind?

“Castiel, stop being so dramatic, up there.” He tapped his forehead. “I don’t think a demon’s ever been stupid enough try it, so naturally, I had to be the first.”

So was it true? Was he stuck?

“God, calm down, angel. It’s fine. It’s not even real. It’s fake. As in, this will come off.”

Relief flooded him.

“I had no clue what would happen if I were to ink you up with an anti-possession tattoo. Did I mention I’m new to this? Yeah. First time possession.” It puffed it’s chest out proudly. “But yeah, I wasn’t sure what would happen. What if I got the tattoo and then it sent me on my merry old way? Then I wouldn’t be able to hang out with you guys!” 

_Then why did you get it?_

“Hello! McFly!” The demon knocked on Jimmy’s head. “Anyone home? If I didn’t get a fake one, then ours boys would take me get a real one. You had an appointment to get it done, remember? I had to fake being sick to get out of it, but I got this and a bunch of back-ups while you were sleeping. Now they really won’t have a clue.” 

_Then why did you prevent me from seeing what was happening, if that’s all that you were doing?_

The demon rolled Jimmy’s eyes. “Obviously I did other things as well. I went shopping, ran some errands, met up with some old friends, y’know. Boring stuff.” _What else? Be specific._ Cas pressed. But it was useless, as Cas predicted. The demon sighed, and started flicking through his memories again. It put a light veil over Cas’ vision, and trotted around the bunker. 

**_Y’know, it’s ridiculously obvious how in love with you Dean is._**

_Dean does not_ -Cas tried to protest, before being flung into another memory. 

_Bobby’s house. It was late, and Sam had already gone to bed. Dean however, had fallen asleep next to Castiel, leaning on his shoulder slightly._

_“If we all live through the Apocalypse, what’s your plan, boy?” Bobby asked sternly, narrowing his eyes at him._

_Cas stared at Bobby quizzically. “Plan?”_

_“Yeah. Do you want to get your powers back and go to Heaven, or what?”_

_Cas looked at his hands. “That… depends on the outcome of the Apocalypse, I suppose.”_

_“Yeah, yeah, I know. But s'pose everything works out nicely. Sam and Dean live. You live. Maybe even I live. Let’s say you get the option of staying here or going to Heaven, what would you choose?”_

_Castiel was shocked by the question. He had never even considered it. “I… I don’t know.”_

_“You wouldn’t want to stay here with Dean?”_

_“Sam and Dean are my friends, of course I would-“_

_Bobby shook his head furiously. “No, you idgit! With Dean.”_

_“I’m not sure that I understand.”_

_Bobby sighed, exasperated, and Cas wondered what it was that he missed. Bobby gestured to Dean, who was still asleep, dead to the world, on Cas’ shoulder._

_“Look, you and Dean have gotten pretty close, would you agree?”_

_Cas nodded, slowly. He had an inkling at what Bobby was getting to, and it made him nervous._

_“I’m wondering if maybe you two might get even closer, after this is all over. Maybe Dean’ll want to quit the life? Settle down somewhere with a family?” Bobby raised his eyebrows at Cas._

_Cas smiled. “Dean would make an excellent father. I hope that he will one day get the opportunity to do so.”_

_Bobby nodded. “And where would you fit into all of that?”_

_“I would watch over his children, and protect them from harm, when possible.” Cas said automatically. Dean’s children would be precious to him._

_“What if you don’t have your angel powers?”_

_“I…” Cas hadn’t considered that. What if he never became full angel again? Where would he go? He had assumed that if Team Free Will won, that he would become an angel of the Lord again._

_“What if you’re stuck being human, and Dean wants to stop hunting?”_

_“Then I would hope that Dean would allow me to continue to be his friend.”_

Quick as he was thrown into the memory, he was thrown out. \ 

**_Even that old redneck knew that something was up. So why aren’t the two of you together?_**

Cas ignored the demon, and tried to burrow himself away. He didn’t want to think about Bobby, who knew things back then that Cas didn’t understand. He didn’t want to think about Bobby who was dead, and who would have been alive if Cas hadn’t been so selfish. 

**_Yeah, you’re right; it might be because you killed his father figure. It’s usually a bad idea to date guys who kill people you care about, y’know? The guy probably can’t even stand to look at you after all you did to him._ **

_Dean doesn’t hate me for what I did. Otherwise he wouldn’t allow me to be around him and his brother._ As soon as Cas thought it, he realized it was true. Dean was his friend, regardless of what he did in his past. Dean knew everything that Cas did, and he still loved him, even if it wasn’t in the way Cas wanted him to.\ 

**_You know that’s not true. You can’t honestly say that Dean knows everything that you’ve done._ **

Thousands of images spun through Cas’ mind of a dead Dean Winchesters, blood on Cas’ hands. 

**_Does he know about this?_ **

_“Well, you’ve always got little old me.”_

_An angel sword through the heart. Balthazar’s cry of pain_

_“Yes… I’ll always have you.”_

_“…Cas.”_

_**_I mean, you stabbed your only friend outside of Dean in the back, literally. If he knew about that, would he trust you so willingly?_ ** _

Cas’ heart wrenched. _Stay away from that!_ He snarled. _That was one of the worst moments of my existence. Nothing hurts me more than hurting my friends._

The demon’s cold laughter rang through Cas’ skull. **_Then why does it happen so often?_**

Cas couldn’t think of a logical response, but his brain spouted out uncontrollable screams of _I DON’T MEAN TO_ , and _IT DOESN’T HAPPEN THAT OFTEN_ , and _I DON’T WANT TO HURT DEAN_ , but he couldn’t settle on a singular thought. Guilt tingled throughout his body. 

**_I wonder if you ever decided to tell him about your not-so-platonic feelings for him, would he even believe you? The way you treat him isn’t how one treats someone they love, now is it?_ **

Cas had given up on trying to deny how he felt about Dean to the demon. _I would never tell him._

**_I could, if you wanted._**

Cas mentally hissed. _You can’t._

**_Yeah, probably not. I wouldn’t want the poor guy to puke, right?_ **

_He would not puke._

**_No, but he’d probably flip out. We’ve been over this, remember? He’s straight._ **

_No, he’s not._

The demon laughed, out loud and surprised. 

**_And how would you know that, my pretty little angel?_ **

Cas scowled. _I pieced him together. I know him._

**_So what? He’s just a little closet-case?_ **

_I…no. I don’t think so. I believe that he buries that part of himself, unknowingly. I never asked him about it, because I knew that it would upset him._ Cas cursed himself for telling the demon this, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking. 

**_That’s so interesting. So he’s bisexual?_** The demon asked, interested. 

_I suppose that’s what you would call it. I’ve never looked that closely at human sexuality, but I know that it’s very complicated, and humans make a lot trivial things like that taboo._

**_So he’s ashamed of himself?_ **

_I wouldn’t say that. I think that he never lets himself be happy, and accepting his sexuality is just a part of that._

**_You’re very perceptive Castiel. I would never be able to figure someone out like that. Well done._ **

Cas felt very strange having an actual conversation with the demon, that didn’t consist of the demon harassing him. It annoyed him to admit this, but he missed conversation, and the demon addressing him kindly felt... good. 

**_We don’t have to be enemies, Castiel. We could be friends._ **

Cas cringed. Was the demon joking? 

**_I’m not joking, Castiel. We’re kind of sharing a space right now, we might as well like each other. I mean, if I can bring myself to like someone like you, you could probably manage to like someone like me._**

_You’re a demon, and you’re possessing me. ___

_**_Meg was a demon, and you liked her. In fact, you more than liked her, didn’t you?_**_  
Images of Meg’s true face was thrown at Cas.

_...Meg was different._

**  
_I can be different too, Cas. We could help each other out. I could get Dean to fall in love with you. And in return, you let me play a little._**

_No. I hate you, and I want you out of my body. ___

_**  
_Jimmy’s body. ** __**_**_  


_Cas didn’t care anymore, he just wanted the demon gone. He was exhausted from going through all of his worst memories, and he wanted to just be left alone. Why did the demon feel the need to talk to him at all? Why couldn’t it just do what it pleased, and leave Cas to his nice dreams?_

**_**_Fine, have it your way._ ** _ **

_And with that, Cas was plunging back into his dreams._

 

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dreaming and lucid dreaming will be a big part of this fic. In dreams, Cas often has very simple thoughts such as 'I like this' or 'This is bad. I want to get away from this', which is a normal part of dreaming. If the style of Cas' thoughts and feelings in his dreams seem to differ from the style while he is conscious, that's because it is. In dreams, our thoughts are much more basic and primal, as will Cas' thoughts. 
> 
> Also, if you notice any major spelling or grammar errors _please_ point them out to me. I currently do not have a beta, so I'm trying to make sure that this fic has no typos. Thank you!


	4. Float

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!![SPOILERS]!!!
> 
>  
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> In this chapter, the demon has sex while in Cas's body, without his consent. If this sort of thing may be triggering or upsetting to you, you might not want to read this fic.

Cas was in a pizza parlor, and he knew right away that he was dreaming. He looked around, and realized that this was the pizza parlor that he had gone to with the Winchesters, the day he had gone shopping with them for his own clothes.

_“I don’t understand, Sam, why can’t I just share clothes with you and Dean?”_

_“Because Cas, you need to have your own stuff. You’re your own person.”_

He was sitting at a booth with Naomi and Crowley.

“Cas, are you going to eat your pizza, or just let it get cold?” Crowley scolded. Naomi crossed her arms and looked at him disapprovingly.

Cas didn’t want to spend his dream with Naomi and Crowley. “Could you leave? I don’t want you here.”

Crowley smirked, but then he and Naomi disappeared. Cas felt relieved. He was already trapped inside his own head; he didn’t want to spend that time with those two. He would rather spend that time with people he loved, his friends.

As he thought this, Dean and Meg appeared across from him. 

“Hey there sleepy-head!” Meg beamed at him. Cas really appreciated Meg.

“I’m dreaming.” He informed her.

She laughed. “Yes, you are.” She said slowly, dripping in sarcasm. “What gave it away?” Cas felt a strange combination of both joy and annoyance that even in his dreams, Meg was the same. 

He shrugged. “I just knew, this time.” He turned to Dean. “I’m sorry that I’m still possessed.”

Dean shrugged back. “It’s not like you can help it. I’m just glad we get to spend this time together.”

 _That’s not something Dean would say_ , Cas thought bitterly.

Dean smiled at him, his eyes crinkling. “I know, but you love me anyway.”

***

He was ripped away from his precious pizza parlor and the sensations of his body became prevalent over all other senses. He could feel all over his body. His entire being was tingling with sensations, and he worked his way through his mind, attempting to find his way to his own sight. 

**_Castiel… I’d stay down if I were you,_** the demon warned.

_What’s happening? Are we in danger?_

**_Not exactly, no._ **

If he wasn’t in danger, then why did his body feel this way? Concentrating, he could feel his body moving in a fluid motion, back and forth. It was then that he realized that the sensation he was feeling all over his body was not pain or adrenaline, but pleasure. This was the kind of pleasure Cas had only felt one other time, and suddenly, he could see what he was doing.  
He was on top of a woman, sliding in and out of her. Tangled in sheets, body slick with sweat, and by the time the demon moaned, he realized what was going on. The demon was having sex. 

The demon was having sex, using Jimmy’s body.

The demon was having sex, using Cas’s body!

 _Stop!_ He thought frantically, before he could stop himself.

The demon internally laughed. 

A hot, thick, rage boiled inside of Cas. First the demon had taken over his body. Then the demon brought up painful memories for Cas, and dangled them in front of him. Then, the demon went out and did things without telling Cas what they were. All while possibly putting the Winchesters in danger. 

And now, oh now the demon was having sex. 

_Please, stop!_

But the demon and the woman continued; the woman making breathy sounds as the demon made love to her. 

And Cas could feel every feeling that the demon could feel.

He could feel as the demon drove into her, he could feel as the woman scratched her nails along his back ( _his_ back!) and he could feel the tightening in his body and he knew that he was about to come.

“I said stop!” He screamed, and pushed the woman away.

She looked up at him, wide eyed and afraid. “Castiel? What’s wrong?” Did he do that? Was that out loud? He looked down at his hands. He had done that! Cas had pushed the woman away from him. He finally had control!

Cas managed to get out “I-“, before the demon swallowed him whole, shoving Cas so far away that he could only watch. He smiled smoothly at the woman. 

“I’m sorry, babe. It’s just y’know…” The demon ducked his head and managed a blush. 

Her face relaxed, and she nodded at him, sympathetically. “Is it because you were in the war?”

The demon smiled at her gratefully, and she scooted back over to him, and pecked him on the cheek. “Maybe you should work on your PTSD some, before you try and handle a one-night stand, y’know? My brother’s a therapist, so I know.”

Cas screamed from the inside of his own skull. _This is my body! It’s mine! You have no right to violate me in such a way!_

 ** _This is Jimmy’s body._** The demon kindly reminded him. 

_This is… this is Jimmy’s body._ Cas remembered. 

The demon was standing up now, looking for his clothes. He was still putting on the embarrassed façade, smiling down at the woman, who was still lying in the bed. 

“I’m really, so sorry Emily. This hasn’t happened for a long time.”

She nodded at him, but even Cas knew that she had already lost interest. Within a few moments, the demon had gathered his things and was out the door. 

The demon was trying to push Cas under, he could feel it. Cas pushed upwards, forcing his way back to the surface. The demon wasn’t going to get away without an explanation. Eventually, the demon gave up. 

On the drive back home, both the demon and Cas were silent. It wasn’t awkward, exactly (and Cas was finally picking up on what was and wasn’t awkward) but there was a certain tenseness between the two.

Finally, Cas spoke up. _Whose car is this?_

**_Mine. Well, yours, really. Ours. Dean gave it to us as a present._ **

_But I can’t drive._

**_Dean’s been teaching me._ **

_Oh._

They were silent for a few moments, and Cas could feel the anger dissipating.

 ** _Look, Castiel…._** The demon started. 

_Why did you do that? Who is she?_

**_I don’t know. Some broad. I met her at a bar._ **

_What were we doing at a bar?_

**_Sam said that we should be spending more time with the outside world, so he told us to go out and have some fun._**  
It occurred to Cas just how often he spent oblivious to what the demon was doing with his body. 

_I can’t believe you would do that without my permission._

The demon laughed at him, out loud, and Cas felt a stab of pain. **_Really, Cas? What about all of the thousands of things that you did without Jimmy’s permission. Sure, you had his permission to be there, but he thought it was for the good Lord’s work, not for you to go out and become the good Lord. You weren’t exactly good anyway. And anyway, it’s not like this is the first time that someone has fucked using Jimmy’s body._**

 _What are you-_ but before Cas could finish, the demon tossed another memory at him.

_He stared at the floral print wallpaper, while Daphne rested her hand on his knee. “You don’t have to do this, honey, but we are married now. We have to consummate our marriage.”_

_He nodded slowly, eyes locked on the wallpaper of their now shared bedroom. “We’ve been married for over a week, now.” He agreed._

_She smiled at him proudly, as if he had said something genius. He was pretty sure that he hadn’t, but she was very kind, and very beautiful, so he decided to trust her._

_“I love you, Emmanuel.” She whispered._

_He smiled back. “I love you as well, Daphne.”_

_When he kissed her, it felt like a lie._

When the memory faded, the demon was pulling the car beside the Impala at the bunker. 

**_Home sweet home, Castiel!_ **

_Daphne and I consummating our marriage is not the same as you taking over my body and  
having meaningless sex._

**_You didn’t love Daphne, and I didn’t love that girl. What’s the difference?_ **

_Because it’s not your body!_

**_It’s not yours either._**

Cas had no response to that. 

**_Would it have made a difference if it was Dean that I was having sex with, just now?_ **

_NO!_ Cas practically screamed. _Stay away from Dean! He is not yours to touch!_

**_He is not yours, either._ **

_It doesn’t matter. Please, no matter what you do with my body, please, leave Dean out of it._

**_Aw, but he’s in love with us!_ **

_Dean feels nothing but friendship for me_. Cas protested.

**_That may be true, but maybe he feels more for me? ** _The demon leered._**_ **

**_**__Who_ are _you?_ Cas asked, but the demon ignored him, and hopped out of the car._ The door of the bunker creaked open, and Cas felt the demon squint into the bright light of the bunker. There was a pause, and then the sound of eager footsteps pounding their way towards them. Cas could tell that it was Sam, immediately.**_**

“Hey Cas! How was your night!” He greeted, pulling him into the house. 

“I had a rather fun evening,” the demon admitted, and Cas scowled at the demon’s imitation.

Sam beamed. “I’m so glad, man. Come on in and tell us all about-“ he cut himself off in order to narrow his eyes at him.

 _This is it! Sam knows the truth! I’m saved!_ Cas thought hopefully.

But Sam only burst into laughter, and threw his arm around Cas’s shoulders. “Dude, you reek of sex. “

The demon ducked his head, and blushed. “I may have had a uh, encounter. With, uh, a lady friend.”

Sam looked down at the demon proudly. “Oh yeah? Did you go back to her place?”

The demon nodded. 

“That’s awesome, Cas! Congratulations. Are you going to see her again?”

The demon shrugged. “I believe it was ‘a one night stand’.

“Well hey, that’s okay too. Why don’t you go take a shower? It’s pretty late.” They turned the corner into the main room, where a very disgruntled Dean sat at the table, who had obviously heard their conversation.

He crossed his arms and glared at Cas. “Where the hell have you been man? You said that you were just gonna go explore for a while. It’s 2 am in the fuckin’ morning.”

The demon stuttered, but Sam came to his rescue. “Cas was with a lady friend, is that okay with you?” He patted him on the shoulder.

Dean’s eyes blazed. “No that’s not fucking okay! Cas, you went home with a complete stranger?”

The demon huffed in annoyance. “She was not a stranger, Dean. Her name was Emily, and she had a kind soul.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Cas. She could have been anybody! She could have been a demon, or a shapeshifter, or… or a murderer! Cas, come on! You’re not a fucking angel anymore; you can’t just go out and be reckless like this.”

The demon must have looked very hurt, because Dean’s face softened, and he stood up. Sam had backed up to the corner of the room, and Dean motioned for him to leave. He left, smirking. 

Dean placed his hand on Cas’s shoulder, much like Cas had done many times before. He smiled softly, and Cas swore that his eyes were a little more watery than usual.

“I’m… I’m sorry buddy. I didn’t mean it like that. I shouldn’t have brought up, y’know. That.”

The demon smiled softly. “I know, Dean. You were just concerned.”

Dean’s face brightened. “Yeah! Yeah, that’s right. I was concerned about you. You’re my best friend, I just want to make sure that you’re safe.”

The demon locked eyes with Dean, and squeezed the hand that was still resting on Cas’s shoulder.

“Uh, Cas?”

“Yes?”

“You uh,” Dean coughed awkwardly. “You uh, _were_ safe, right? You used protection?”

The demon furrowed his eyebrows at Dean, pretending to be confused. 

“Well y’know.” Here, Dean blushed, and Cas thought it was the most endearing thing he had ever seen. “You wore a condom, right?”

The demon chuckled. “Yes, Dean. Emily had plenty, and she instructed me in how to use it.”

Dean sighed in relief. “Okay, good. I’m glad. No mini-Cas’s running around.”

“Dean, I don’t think I’m ready for a child, right now.”

Dean laughed, and his eyes crinkled up in the way that he did in Cas’s dreams. “Of course not.  
Now, go shower, you animal”

***

“Dean, did you have to freak out at Cas like that?”

“What? I’m just looking out for the guy.”

“I know Dean, I am too. But don’t make him feel guilty for wanting to have a little fun. He needs some relaxation in his life.”

After awkwardly describing his sexual experience to Dean (leaving out the parts in which Cas was finally able to take over his own body), the demon had showered, and went off to bed.

Although Cas had plenty of times, the demon had yet to sleep, while in Cas’s body. Cas remembers this from when he was an angel. Jimmy would go to sleep for hours and hours while Cas stayed eternally awake. Most nights, the demon would retreat to Cas’s room and pretend to be asleep, and then go off and do other things after the boys went to bed. Or at least, that’s what Cas assumed that it did, because he was sleeping through the nights peacefully, these days.

This was what the demon was doing now, lying in bed, pretending to be asleep until the Winchester’s went to bed. The two were currently in Dean’s room, and the demon had  
heightened both his and Cas’s hearing so that they could listen in.

“I’m just saying Dean, he needs all the support he can get right now.” 

“Then why can’t he get that support from me, and not from some stupid bitch!” Dean roared, moving around angrily. 

**_Wow, no questions about whether or not he’s possessive._ **

“Are you _jealous?_ ” Sam laughed.

“Shut the _fuck_ up, Sammy. I don’t want to talk about this.” 

“Talk about what?” 

“Nothing, Sam. There’s nothing to talk about. Can you please get out of here so I can get some sleep?”

Typical Dean. 

“No, Dean. I’m sick of this shit. You were miserable when he was gone, and now that’s here, you’re mean to him.”

“So? Where does it say that I have to be nice?”

“Dean. It’s okay, I know. I have for a while now.”

“You know?!… You _know_.”

“Yes! Dean, you and Cas are not exactly a secret.”

“…oh.” Dean said faintly.

“The only thing stopping you now is your own cowardice. Grow a pair.”

And with that, Sam marched down the hallway to his own bedroom.

*** 

Cas had been dreaming a lot about the Impala, lately. He wasn’t sure why that was, only that it made him happy. The Impala meant Dean would be in the dream, and Dean being in his dream promised for a good dream. 

It was just the two of them in the Impala, windows rolled down, with a light breeze blowing on their faces. Cas noticed that the wind was silent, however, and he wondered if it was because he couldn’t remember what wind sounded like.

It was a comfortable silence, and apart from Dean’s occasional playing with the radio that Cas couldn’t hear anyway, the car was still. Cas looked over at Dean, who was staring out the window seriously, and decided that one day he’d like to maybe kiss him.

Dean glanced at Cas, and upon realized that he was being stared at, turned his body so that he was facing him. 

It took Cas a few moments before he noticed that Dean was talking to him.

“What?” Cas asked him. 

Dean smiled, the kind he does when he realizes that Cas doesn’t understand one of his references. Cas thinks that it may be one of his favorite smiles, because he doesn’t smile because Cas is stupid or bad for not being human, he just smiles because Dean likes him. 

It’s moments like these when Cas can pretend that Dean loves him. 

“I said, ‘you’re dreaming again, Castiel.’” He repeated.

Cas nodded, slowly. “I knew that, Dean.”

“How’s the driving going?” 

Cas looked at his hands and saw that they were clutching the steering wheel. He was driving the Impala. “Pretty good, I suppose. I’ve never driven before, only the demon has.”

Switching topics again, Dean said, “Cas, you _have_ to remember when you’re dreaming. It’s important.” 

"I know when I’m dreaming, Dean.” He argued. “It’s just that sometimes while I’m dreaming, I pretend that I don’t know. It’s nicer that way.”

Dean shook his head back and forth. “No, Cas. Listen to me. Please remember. It’s really important.”

Cas squinted at Dean. “Why does it matter? It feels good pretending that this isn’t happening, and that I’m really with you.”

Dean smiled at him, but the smile was grim, and he was shaking his head. “Cas. I’m not really Dean. I can’t be.”

Cas tore his eyes away from him. “I know that.” 

“Okay. But I _am_ apart of you. I’m keeping you here.”

Cas was trying to concentrate on the road, but there wasn’t a road to focus on. The Impala was moving, but going no place in particular. “What does that mean?”

Dean sighed, and placed a hand on Cas’s leg. Cas whipped his head back towards Dean. “It means, Castiel, that you can’t get lost here. What you did today? Taking control. That was really good. And he didn’t show it, but that really scared the demon. This is really good. Keep fighting to stay afloat and you won’t get lost.”

Cas didn’t understand what he was saying, but it was Dean who was saying it, so it must have been important. 

***  
The next morning, Cas found himself sitting at the bunker table, with breakfast in front of him.

Dean was talking to him, but he couldn’t hear any of the words that were coming out. 

The demon replied, hiding his words from Cas, and he could see Dean listening intensely. He couldn’t tell what the content of the conversation was, but he could see that it was a very serious one, due to Dean’s furrowed eyebrows, and the way he kept nodding. 

_What’s going on? What are you talking about?_ Cas demanded.

 

**_Things. Important stuff. It’s no big deal._**

He saw Dean rub his hand over his eyes, a telltale sign that Dean was about to cry.

_What are you saying to him? Stop!_

The demon reached out and grabbed Dean’s other hand, and squeezed him.

 _Don’t touch him! Leave him alone!_

**  
_Relax, Castiel._  
**

 

The demon spoke more, and Dean’s entire body relaxed, relieved. The demon let go of his hand.

**_See? I’m playing nice with your boyfriend._  
**

Dean started speaking again, almost bashfully. He sighed, and started talking with his hands, gesturing vaguely. 

**  
_Look how cute he is when he’s nervous._**

The demon responded, and Dean smiled again, gleefully. Cas could read the words _really Cas?_ on his lips, and he could feel the demon nodding. 

Dean stood up, and raced around the table, pulled Cas up, and pulled him into a hug. Cas could almost feel Dean’s breath against his cheek. 

The demon thrusted Cas’s hearing at him in time for him to hear Dean whisper, “I’m really happy, Cas.” _What did you two just talk about? Tell me!_

****  
_Well angel cakes, I believe the three of us are going to go on a date._  
**  
**  



	5. Sailing

Dean Winchester was very, very, comfortable. He had just gotten flannel sheets for his bed, and oh yeah, they were really nice. He slid his legs through the fabric, enjoying the feel against his skin. He wasn’t completely awake yet, but he was supposed to be soon, because there was something important he had to do today… what was it again? He burrowed his head into the sheets. It was probably a hunt or something. Any minute now, Sam would barrel in here and slap him awake. Not that he wasn’t awake. Mostly. 

Anyways, the three of them probably had a hunt to go on. Good, he needed to kill something soon, even though it still made him queasy to see Cas with a gun-

His eyes flew open. Cas.

Shitshitshitshishit

That’s right. The Important Thing he had to do today was not go on a hunt with his brother and best friend. Hah, no. That’d be easy. The Important Thing was more like _go on a date_ with his best friend. Fuck.

Cas had come home last night, clearly doing the Walk of Shame, (Dean had formerly called it the Pride Stride, back when he used to have those) and Dean had lost it. 

Okay, so, he knew that he was a little bit love with him. Well, he didn’t actively think about it. In fact, pushing feelings away was one of Dean’s favorite hobbies, especially if those feelings involved a certain fallen angel. 

But still, Dean knew. He was just sort of hoping that those feelings would go away, y’know? People fall out of love all the time, that’s why divorces exist, right? So maybe it’d happen to Dean, and he’d just stop being in love with Cas one day. 

So far, it hadn’t happened. That didn’t mean he was going to act on his feelings anytime soon, though. Nope, he was perfectly happy shoving his feelings for the guy in a box, and pretending that the box wasn’t bubbling over. 

Just having Cas in his life was enough, really. 

But then Cas came home last night, and Dean suddenly wanted to destroy the bitch that got near Cas. Seriously, who did she think she was, taking advantage of him like that? Cas didn’t know the first thing about human interaction, he probably didn’t even know what was happening until she got naked. She was probably really ugly too. Cas probably went to her house, thinking that she’d show him her stamp collection, or something really geeky like that, and then she was all over him, and he was too polite to say no.

Also, she could have hurt him.

Oh, and of course, Dean had to let his hurt feelings get the best of him and spit out fire. _Cas, come on! You’re not a fucking angel anymore; you can’t just go out and be reckless like this._ Dean grimaced to himself. Not his finest hour. After that, he put on his game face, and played nice. No reason to hurt Cas just because Dean was jealous. 

He wasn’t jealous. Not a lot, anyways. 

Sam kicked his ass after that, storming into his room after Cas went to bed. Aaaaaand he was 100% right about everything he said, it’s just that Dean can’t admit that, y’know.  
The next morning, Dean woke up early and cooked Cas’s favorite breakfast, blueberry pancakes and lots of fruit. He made sure to tell Sam to make himself scarce in the kitchen, and he put on his big boy pants. Time to man up. 

Cas bounced into the kitchen, smiling brightly. Dean wasn’t sure when he turned into a morning person, but it was starting to happen more and more lately. Weird.

“What’s this?” he asked, looking at all the food. 

Dean smiled at him, and set the bowl of cantaloupe on the table. “Breakfast! It’s for you.”

Cas sat down, looking up at Dean gleefully. “Me? All of this, just for me?” It took Dean a few seconds, but he realized that Cas was teasing him. Damn. 

“No Cas, not _just_ you. Other people eat in this house too. But I made it specifically because I knew you’d like it.” He sat down across from Cas, his stomach twisting anxiously. 

Cas grabbed the bowl of fruit, and started popping the pieces into his mouth. He moaned appreciatively, and Dean made a mental note to always buy fruit, always. 

Cas looked around. “Where’s Sam?”

Dean shrugged, suddenly unable to make eye contact. “He’s y’know. Around. Breakfast will just be the two of us, this morning.”

Cas’s gaze has landed on Dean, and he was staring him down. Shit. “Dean. What is this?”

“Uh, me being nice?” Cas continued to stare. “…because I feel like crap for being such an ass to you yesterday?”

“Dean.” Well. Clearly Cas was not buying any of Dean’s bullshit today. Not like he ever really does. 

Dean sighed. “I was hoping we could talk.”

Cas set down the bowl, eye intensity set to 11. “Okay.”

Okay. _Deep breathes Winchester. You can do this. Don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up. Gut up, and just do it._

“I was a dick to you yesterday.” Dean blurted. 

Cas raised his eyebrows, clearly saying _duh_. 

“Right. So. You got laid. And I’m sure it was great, y’know I’m happy for you. Cool. And I shouldn’t have been so pissy about it, ‘m sorry.”

Cas smiled, his eyes patient. 

“Okay, and so maybe I was being a little bitch because I was worried, but there were other reasons too, y’know?” Dean continued. “I really care about you Cas, you’re family. You’re really important to me.”

 _Stop beating around the bush, dickbag, and get on with it._ Dean blew deep breath out. 

“So. Yeah. It also might have been because I was jealous.”

Cas narrowed his eyes. “You were jealous… because I had sex?”

“Exactly!” Dean cried, thankful that Cas got it. Maybe this would be a lot easier than he thought. 

Cas rolled his eyes. “Dean, I’m sure you could easily find someone to have sex with. No need to take out your frustration on me.”

_Okay, shit. Maybe not so easy._

“No, Cas, not what I meant. I mean… I was jealous of her. I… I didn’t want you… I _don’t_ want you to be with other people.”

Cas’s eyes opened wide, mouth hanging open slightly. “Who… who would you rather me be with?”

Dean’s eyes suddenly couldn’t meet Cas’s.

“I. Y’know. _Me_.” Dean said, childishly. 

There was a pause, and Dean finally worked up the courage to look back up at Cas. He was studying Dean, as if he was trying to figure out if this was a game. 

“Dean. You are… my friend.” Oh fuck, well, here comes the big letdown. Cas smiled. “You’re my only friend, really. Outside of Sam. I care about you more deeply than I have ever cared about another living thing. More than my brothers and sisters, more than all of the other humans on Earth. More than God, even, which, these days isn’t saying much.” 

Dean couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t speak, so he just kept nodding, like a fucking idiot. Man, when Cas turned someone down, he really went all out. He dragged his hand across his face, trying to stop himself from crying. If Cas would just shut up, and let him go hide in his room, tail between his legs, everything would be fine.

Cas reached out, and grabbed his other hand. “Dean. I have also never loved anything more.”  
Did he mean…?

“Dean, I love you more than all of God’s creatures, you know that. More than anything else. We are family. But I don’t love you like I love Sam. We aren’t brothers Dean. Of course I’d rather be with you.”

Dean’s entire world stopped.

There were probably about a million different things that Dean could have said at that moment, but he chose to say “Then why’d you fuck that girl?” 

Cas laughed. “Dean I… I ended up leaving before we could um, finish.”

“Oh yeah?”

Cas nodded solemnly. “Yes. All I could think about was you, and I couldn’t go through with it. I never really thought you’d reciprocate.”

Well, Dean certainly felt like an idiot. 

Dean smiled at Cas, and he just knew that he was blushing again. Shit. “Do you want to go out and do somethin’ later? Tomorrow maybe?”

Cas was squinting again. “Such as?” 

_A date. I want to take you out on a date because I’m stupidly in love with you, and you just told me that you loved me and I didn’t even say it back yet. I just want to take you out on a fucking date. Please._

He shrugged, not making Cas’s eyes. “Y’know. I figured we could go out to eat maybe. And go to the movies maybe? To celebrate the fact that we both… like each other?” Dean squeaked out, talking way more with his hands than necessary. That’s it; he was getting his man card taken away. 

Cas’s eyes shined, and he answered, “Of course, Dean. I’d love to go on a date with you!” 

A deep sigh of relief blew through him. “Really Cas?” 

Cas nodded again, and Dean couldn’t help himself. He leapt up from his seat, and raced to where Cas was sitting. He grabbed his hand, and pulled him up into a crushing hug. 

Dean wasn’t sure when the last time he had felt so happy. 

Anyway, so now Dean was taking Cas out on a date, and he felt like a teenage girl. He’d never been nervous for anything before, outside of really tricky hunts, and suddenly he felt himself dreading leaving his bedroom. 

Dean finally sat up, and stretched, popping a few joints along the way. He could hear movement around the bunker. He glanced at his alarm clock. 7:35. It was probably Cas who was moving around, since he was suddenly a big morning person. The guy got up way earlier than anyone else, even Sam on his jogging days. Who does that? You’d think that he’d have a lot of sleep to catch up on after not needing to for millions of years, but whatever. 

A small part of Dean wondered if the reason that Cas woke up so early was because he wasn’t sleeping much at all. The first couple of weeks after he fell, Cas had been having nightmares every night, and Dean and Sam would sympathize. When Dean was younger, he would have nightmares about his mom dying, or something happening to Sam. After Hell, well, that was all he dreamed about for a while. 

After Cas died, he stopped dreaming about torturing souls and started dreaming about his friend disappearing into water. These days, it’s more of a combination of all three. He knew that Sam had nightmares too. How could you possible live Sam’s life without being at least a little bit traumatized? He’d been having them since they were  
kids. 

So Cas would have nightmares, and Sam and Dean did their best to make him feel better. When they would hear the telltale signs of Cas moaning and crying out in fear at night, one of them would go in to wake up him gently. The three of them had a silent agreement about not mentioning it again the next morning. 

But all that had seemed to stop, but Dean had his suspicions that Cas wasn’t actually “all better”, but that he was just getting better at hiding it. Nobody’s that chipper in the morning without faking it just a little. 

Strolling into the kitchen, he found Cas, drinking orange juice at the table. Dean grinned, because he was going to out of a date with this weirdo. 

“Still can’t get you to drink coffee, can I?” Dean asked, starting up the machine. 

Cas grimaced, and looked almost offended at the question. “Coffee is disgusting. I don’t understand why it’s one of the most popular of drinks for your kind.”

“We’re disgusting creatures, that’s why.” He winked.  
 _I swear he was drinking coffee the first month or so that he was here, but he must’ve grown  
out of it. _

Cas rolled his eyes, another new feature of his. “So, what are the plans for today?”

Dean opened the fridge, and started pulling things out of it. “What do you want to do?”

Cas squinted, like he was trying to tell if Dean was joking or not. “Are we not ‘going out’ today?”

Dean shrugged. “We are, but I thought I’d let you decide what to do? Or would you rather have me pick?” God, he sounded so stupid. He turned to the bacon that he was frying, turning his back to Cas. Maybe if he just seemed as nonchalant as possible, he’d be able to out of this alive without blushing himself to death. Jesus. 

“I’ve never been to a baseball game before,” he said, and Dean turned around slowly. 

“You want me to take you to a baseball game? Like, today?” he asked, incredulously. He figured that he’d take Cas to a diner, or a movie. Or both. But a baseball game? Huh. Leave Cas to think of the best date idea ever.

Cas shrugged, seemingly embarrassed. “I don’t know if one is scheduled today, but perhaps we could check? Unless you think it’s a bad idea… I know that’s probably an unusual date request, but I thought that maybe you would like to go see one, and I haven’t ever been to one myself…” 

He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, avoiding eye contact.

_Oh great, now you’re making him feel bad, dickwad._

“No! Cas, I think that’s a great idea! Way better than anything I was thinking of, y’know? I’ll check to see if there’s a game today.”

Cas smiled so big that Dean could count all of his teeth. 

***

As it turns out, there was a game, at three. After muttering to Sam that he was taking Cas out, and dealing with out six minutes of getting teased, they packed up the Impala and hit the road. 

After about fifteen minutes of sitting in silence, Cas started rummaging through the shoebox that he kept his tapes in. 

“What’re you looking for, Cas?” He asked, glancing over at his friend.

“Metallica. It helps you when you’re nervous.”

Dean felt a rush of affection for him, and laughed. “Yeah? What makes you think I’m nervous?”

Cas had a small smile on his face, and he looked over at Dean out of the corner of his eyes. “I  
know everything about you.” He told him quietly.

Dean quirked his eyebrows. “No way, man. You can’t know _everything._ That’s impossible.”

Cas shrugged.

“No, seriously. I’m gonna quiz you. What’s my favorite color?”

Cas paused for a moment, before answering: “You don’t have a favorite color, Dean.”

Dean huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, okay. Good job. But seriously, you can’t know everything. 

There’s got to be some things that you don’t know about me.”  
The ex-angel considered this for a few moments. “I suppose so. But I’ve seen you’re soul, I think I know you pretty well.”

There was a bit of an awkward pause after he said this. It wasn’t something they brought up often, the fact that Cas saved him from hell. It wasn’t something that Dean remembered, and he’d never thought to ask him what it was like. 

“What was it like?” He asked. “My soul, I mean. Saving me?”

Cas thought for a few moments, like he wasn’t sure how to answer. He’d been doing that a lot,  
lately. “It was beautiful.”

***

“Dean?” Cas asked, once they finally settled into Kauffmen Stadium, stereotypically appropriate hotdogs in hand. “Which one is ‘our team’?”

It was the middle of the first inning, and the score was still 0-0. “Well, we stay in Kansas most of the time, so we should probably root for the Royals, right?” Dean took a bite of his hotdog, and almost moaned at the deliciousness of it. He’d only ever been to a baseball game one other time, and it wasn’t a major league game, like this. 

Cas scanned the field. “Which one is that?”

“The one’s in the white, Cas. Those other guys? Those are the Mariner’s. They're here from Seattle.”

Cas nodded, eyes never leaving the game.  
An elderly man a few seats down from the pair grinned at them. “You boys new to the Royals?”

“This is my first game.” Cas told him, with utmost solemnity. 

The man’s wild eyebrows rose up on his forehead. “Y’don’t say? Where ya from, boys?”  
Dean half expected Cas to seriously answer _from Heaven_ so he jumped in and said, 

“Oh, everywhere really. We travel a lot for our jobs, but we have a more permanent living situation now, so I thought it’d be the perfect time to develop some home team pride.”

The old man’s crooked grin plastered his face, and he held his hand out for them to both shake. “Well! That’s good to hear! We could always use more of that. The name’s Leonard, by the way. Been coming to Royals games since they became a team.”

Dean grinned, he liked this guy. “I’m Dean. This is Cas.”

“Pleasure.” He said. “Now Cas, you just mean that this is your first Royals game, right? You’ve surely been to other games?”

Cas shook his head. “I’ve never been to a baseball game in my life.”  
Leonard’s eyes were wide, and he shook his head. “That’s a damn shame. Dean, how could you let this happen?”

Dean shrugged. “Sorry, Leonard, we were a little caught up with stuff before. We finally have time, now.” He found Cas’s hand in his, and he smiled at him.

The man threw his head back and laughed. “Well damn son. I believe that was a rhetorical question, but I’m glad that we cleared that up.” 

It occurred to Dean that he was being pretty blatant about being _with_ Cas, and that they weren’t just there as friends. Leonard knew they were on a date. Dean waited for the panic over being out with a dude in public to arise, but he felt calm. Here he was with his best friend, who he loved so fucking much at a damn baseball game. He looked over at Cas, who was totally engrossed in the game.

He didn’t realize that he wasn’t paying attention to the game until Cas leapt up out of his chair, screaming wildly. Snapping back into focus, he realized that the whole stadium was cheering. Oh, the Royals had scored. Go team. Cas turned to him excitedly, and proclaimed, “Our team is winning now!” and pulled Dean in to a harsh hug. They sat back down, and Cas immediately settled back into the game, totally focused on what was happening. 

A man selling kettle corn and ice cream started making his way through the stands, Dean looked over to see if Cas wanted some, but his eyes hadn’t left the field. 

“You better be getting him some kettle corn, young man. It’s his first game, it has to be special.” Leonard told him, with a wink. Dean agreed, and called the employee over.

“Cas. Cas, do you want some of this?” 

Cas glanced at Dean hurriedly, and went back to the game. “I’m not hungry, Dean, thanks.”  
Dean took Cas’s hand, and placed a few kernels in it. “Cas. Eat.”

Without even looking at Dean, he popped the pieces in his mouth. His eyes widened after a few crunches, and he turned to Dean. “These are delicious!”

Dean felt smug. “What did I tell you? That shit’s great.”

Cas smiled warmly at him, and held his hand for the rest of the game. Leonard gave Dean the thumbs up from a few seats over.

***

“Dean, how could you be so calm about this?” Cas demanded, crossing his arms.

“I dunno, Cas. It’s just a game. It’s pretty early in the season, there’ll be plenty more. We can  
even go to some of them, if you want.”

“Dean. We lost.” Cas huffed dramatically. 

Dean shoveled some fries into his mouth. “That happens, Cas. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure if the Royals are actually a good team or not. But don’t worry, I don’t think this game affects their shot at the World Series.”

“There’s a World Series?” Cas asked hopefully. 

They had decided to stop at a diner on the way home, because somehow Cas was still hungry, even after eating the entire bag of kettle corn. The waitress had asked them if they ‘were enjoying their evening’, and didn’t bat an eye when Cas grabbed his hand from across the table. _Well, I guess everyone can tell._

“So I guess that means that you want to go to more games then, huh?” Dean said, cheekily.

Cas rolled his eyes. “Of course. I want to be able to support our team.”

Dean had never seen Cas so excited over something, like this. He didn’t expect him to like it so much, but now he was glad that he stopped by the gift shop and bought Cas the baseball hat, which he was proudly wearing now. 

“Right, right. Our team. You became a fan pretty fast, now huh, Cas?”  
Cas didn’t seem to think that that needed an answer, and that his mouth would be better occupied by food. Dean laughed, and he was glad that he’d finally gotten the balls to ask him out on this crazy date. 

***

When the returned home, Dean felt almost obligated to walk Cas all the way to his room door, like a teenager on prom night. 

“Thank you for taking me to the Royals’ Game, Dean. I had a lot of fun.”  
Dean shuffled around for a minute before saying, “I’m glad Cas. I hope we can do it again  
sometime.”

Cas grinned at him, and Dean could see his gums. He’d never seen him smile that big before. 

Cas stepped a few inches closer, and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek, close to his mouth.  
Dean shivered, and revealed in the touch. God, he loved him. Cas turned to go back into his room but Dean stopped him, grabbing his wrist. “Cas.” he murmured. 

He pressed his lips to Cas, and Cas threw his arms around him and kissed him back hungrily, tongue exploring his mouth. Electricity sparked through his skin. Goddamn, it was everything Dean could ever want. Cas pulled back after a beat, and smiled shyly at Dean. “Goodnight, Dean.”

And with that, he turned in. Dean touched his hands to his lips, where he could still feel the fire of Cas’s intensity. Well, he’d certainly never been kissed like _that_ before.  
He turned around to head back to his own room, where- _fuck_ -Sam was standing in the doorway with an absolute shit eating grin. 

He brushed past him, pretending he wasn’t there.

“…so?” Sam asked, clearly way too excited. 

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? You wanna sit around and gossip about it? We could braid our hair too, and marathon Sex and the City.”

Dean expected some sort of snarky-ass response, but instead, Sam just chuckled. “It’s okay to let yourself be happy, Dean. And it’s okay to be excited about new things.”

Dean twisted out of his plaid button-up, and tossed it in the laundry basket. “I am, Sam.”

Sam leaned against the wall. “So? You’re just not going to tell me how it went?”

Dean smirked. “You obviously saw the tail-end of it. I think you know how it went.”

His brother rolled his eyes, and heaved a sigh. “Dean. Let’s not play the whole Manly Macho Cover-Up, today, okay? Yes, I saw that you obviously had a good date. I’m glad.”

Dean tossed his jeans on the floor, and slipped into his old sweatpants, before sitting on the bed. _It’s okay Dean, this is Sam. You can tell him about your girly date, right?_  
Dean meant to say _we went to the Royal’s game and they lost but Cas loved it anyway and kept saying ‘we lost’ as if we were a part of the team and I’m more of a football kind of guy anyway but Cas had so much fun that I didn’t even notice how boring the game actually was-_

But instead, he blurted out “I love him.”

Sam’s eyebrows rose to the very top of his forehead, and decided to take a fucking vacation  
there. “Dean.” He said. 

Dean took a shaky breath, and kept right on going. “No, Sammy. I do. I…fuck. I don’t know. I guess you already knew that though, huh? But yeah, crazy right?” he shook his head, and stared at the floor.

Sam sat down next to Dean on the bed, and threw his monster arms around him. “I knew that Dean, I’m just surprised that you actually admitted it.”

Dean huffed out a laugh. “Yeah. No kiddin’.”

“Did you tell _him_ that?”

He threw his brother off of him. “No bitch, I didn’t tell him. He knows I have feelings for him, though.”

Sam’s eyes were wide, like a child being told a fairy tale. “He loves you too, you know. He has too.”

Dean nodded. “I know.”

“You know?”

Dean shrugged, slightly embarrassed. “Well, yeah. He sort of… told me. That he did.” 

Sam sighed, and shoved Dean back onto the bed. “You’re an idiot, Dean.”

Dean grinned proudly. “I know. But you love me anyway.”

“Usually.”

“Cas loves me too.” Dean reminded him.

“I have no clue why.” Sam retorted, backing out of the room. “Goodnight, asshole.” He said, lovingly. 

“Night.” Dean called after him. He rolled around in his bed until he was comfortable, and settled into the soft flannel sheets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies to any hardcore Royals fans, I don't actually know if they're a good team or not- I love baseball but I never have time to follow it!


	6. Drift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! I'm sorry it's been so long since my last update, you know how school is. 
> 
> Also, I'm sure some of you noticed that there are less chapters than before. Originally when I wrote out my outline for this, I planned for 14 chapters. That was later cut down to 11, and today I cut it down to 9. It's not that I'm taking content _out_ exactly, it's more like I moved things around a lot and somehow that ended up cutting things down.
> 
> Happy Destiel Day!

**_Hey Castiel, wanna see all the hot action we’re getting?_ **

_I don’t believe it’d be appropriate to say “we”. And actually, no, I don’t want to see what you’re doing with Dean. I don’t care._

Cas was currently in a state of drift, floating in and out of consciousness, vaguely aware that the demon was out with Dean. What they were doing and where they were was completely unknown to him. A lot of him didn’t really want to know, either.

 ** _We’re not even doing sexy things, Castiel. We’re being all emotional and intimate. He really likes being emotional with me, I have that effect on him._**

_I want to stay here._ Cas thought stubbornly. There was nothing he could think of that would be worse than sitting and watching Dean and the demon flirt. Or kiss. Or more. He didn’t want these things to happen either way, but if they were going to happen, Cas didn’t want to be around to see it. 

Cas starting shifting through his mind, looking for a good place to settle for a dream, maybe a nice drive in the Impala in the snow. He liked the sound of the tires crunching down against the white powder…

 ** _Castiel. Don’t doze off on me here._** The demon commanded, sending sharp pricks through his skull. **_I need you wide awake for this, so you can see how in love he is._**

He pushed Cas forward, and everything was so clear for a moment that he thought that the demon actually put him in control, until he felt the demon cross his arms protectively. 

“I did what I had to do.” The demon huffed. 

They were in the Impala, and there were few cars nearby as they drove down the dark street. Cas recognized it as a route to their home.

_Is this…. Is this the end of the date?_

**_Yep. We had a lovely time. He took us to a baseball game and we did a lot of making out and star gazing._ **

But it didn’t look like Dean was having a lovely time. He was glaring up at the road ahead of him as if it had personally offended him, and was gripping the steering wheel tight. He glanced at the demon several times angrily, before finally speaking up. 

“Cas. I don’t give a shit if it’s what you had to do. You died, and I died right along with you. That was the worst fucking year of my life.”

Oh. So that’s what they were talking about. Cas was new to dating, but he was pretty sure that this wasn’t exactly a date-topic. 

Cas felt his face soften, and he internally growled. 

“I wasn’t aware that you were so affected by it. You seemed so angry at me when I returned to you, that all I wanted to do was have you forgive me.” The demon confessed, playing with a baseball cap in his hands. 

This was partially true. Cas did seek Dean’s forgiveness when he regained his memories, but not because Dean was angry. His wanting Dean’s forgiveness was because he had hurt him and Sam, it didn’t matter if Dean had been angry or not. 

“Of course I was fucking affected by it!” Dean shot back. “You were dead. You’re my best friend, and not only did you betray me and Sam, but I thought you were fucking dead. Nothing hurt worse than that. Don’t you get it? You matter to me.” He took a deep breathe, and flexed his fingers, loosening his grip on the wheel. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter now, I don’t even know how this subject came up. Point is: you have always mattered to me, even more so now, and I guess we’re on the same level of understanding now, right?”

 ** _He means that he loves us now. In particular, he loves me now._** The demon’s nasty voice whispered. 

_He… I wouldn’t say that he loves me._

“Right.” The demon agreed. “We’re on the same level.” 

**_You’re right, he doesn’t. He loves me._**

Cas’s brain shouted a mixture of _NO HE DOESN’T_ and _HE CAN ONLY LOVE ME_ as Dean slipped his hand into Cas’s and smiled at him gratefully.  
“I’m glad.”

The demon kept Cas awake up until Dean walked him to the door, only to shove him away as he leaned in to kiss Dean on the cheek. **_We need our privacy, Castiel._**

***

He found himself inside the bunker, lounging on the couch in the bunker living room, with Lucifer.

“How’s the Cage?” he asked him sarcastically.

Lucifer shrugged. “How’s yours?”

What was that phrase? Touché. 

“Castiel, how could you get yourself in this mess?” Lucifer wasn’t here for any formalities or small talk, apparently. “The missing Grace mess, the possession mess, or the lucid dreaming about my dead brother mess?” He crossed his arms and stared at the ground, and for a moment he felt more human than he ever had. 

“Well, let’s go ahead and go through the list, shall we?” he snapped, and Cas decided that he was done talking to them. He tried to will him away and bring someone he liked better, maybe Balthazar or Meg, but he stayed put. 

“It doesn’t work that way, Castiel.” Lucifer told him gently.  
It was then that he realized that he was dreaming about his brother in his true form, without his vessel. He looked down at himself, and found that he was also in his true form. He flexed a beam of light. 

“I missed this.” He whispered, but then tried to push him away regardless. He didn’t need any reminders of how much he’s lost. 

“Okay, this is clearly making you uncomfortable,” Lucifer told him, and with a flash of light, the two were in their vessels.

This may have been a dream, but this really was Lucifer

“There we go, Castiel, now you’re with the program,” 

Cas tried to end the dream.

“Not going to happen, little brother.” Lucifer said. 

_What is he doing here? How did he get out of the Cage? I have to warn Sam and Dean and I have to-_

“Castiel, stop.” Lucifer told him, and they were suddenly in Heaven.

To be specific, they were in the middle of the Autistic man’s heaven, the one that had been Cas’s favorite so long ago. 

Lucifer smiled grimly. “I figured if I met you in a place where you were comfortable, we could actually chat? I’m sorry to make you panic. Is this place any better?” He gestured around them, and Cas saw no bodies on the ground.

“I killed a lot of our brothers here.”

Lucifer winced, but then started walking. “Well, this isn’t really Heaven anyway. Let’s take a walk.”

Castiel trailed behind him some, still unsure of what his brother was doing here.

“I’m still stuck down there, don’t worry.” Lucifer told him after a few minutes. Cas thought that he could hear a few birds singing off in the distance.

“Well, I’m stuck too.” Cas replied, growing more and more impatient. “Why are you here? _How_ are you here?”

He shrugged. “What, like I can’t visit my brother? Family is important, Castiel.”

“You’re not my family.”

Lucifer look surprised for a moment, before laughing. “No, you’re right. I’m not. True, we have the same Father, but it’s not like that means anything. Especially to Him. Your family is the Winchesters, yes?”

Cas blinked. “I… yes. They are.”

“No one’s ever told you that before, have they? All of our brothers, they always talk about family, but I don’t think they’ve ever stopped to consider who _your_ family is. But I knew.”

Cas was stunned. 

“Anyway,” Lucifer continued, walking along the garden, “I suppose you could say I’ve been watching you three. Not much else to do in Hell.”

“Besides torturing Sam Winchester?” Cas spit out bitterly. “And how is Adam? Surely he’s having a good time in the Cage?”

Lucifer said nothing. 

“That’s what I thought. So you’ve found a way to leave the Cage and bother me in my dreams. Great. What am I supposed to do with that?” Cas just wanted to wake up and watch the demon watch Dean, he didn’t want to sit through Lucifer’s lecturing. 

“I suppose I’m here to help.” He said after a long while. 

Cas laughed. 

“Castiel…” Lucifer sighed. “Look, brother. I am. I am upset that one of my own is torturing you. I want it to end, and I think I can help you. I have _information._ ”

Cas was not convinced. 

“This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t even be listening to you. Please go away.”

Cas walked along the sunny garden, and for the first time, wished that he was in the real Heaven. Things were much simpler when he was a soldier with a purpose. Now he’s a graceless angel who can’t even control his own vessel. 

Lucifer did not follow behind him. Instead, he chose to stand in place, and stare after him evenly. Cas kept walking, until he realized that he couldn’t see the garden anymore, and he was just standing in emptiness.

“I suppose that means you’re real.” Cas sighed.  
Lucifer nodded. “I suppose so.”

“Can you just tell me what you need to tell me and then go?” Cas asked him. For someone who spent most of his time sleeping, he was tired. He just wanted this all to end.

His brother didn’t look surprised by what he said, but that didn’t make him look any less hurt. 

“Very well.” He crossed his arms, and began to speak.

His brother’s only actual advice for how to overcome this was to not fight back when the demon started digging through his memories.

“Everyone has memories, especially that demon. I know exactly who that demon is, and you need to find out as well.” He said. 

“And how would I do that?” Cas asked him, narrowing his eyes. None of this was helpful. 

Lucifer told him that the demon wouldn’t be able to guard it’s own memories as well when it was going through Cas’s, so next time the demon started wading through, Cas was to start looking for memories that weren’t his own. The demon will be left vulnerable to his own thoughts, and Cas needed to take advantage of that. 

“He’s not just trying to act like you, Castiel. He’s trying to become you. “

Cas scoffed. “Why would he want that? I’m nothing.”

“You have something that he wants, and he’s so smart about taking it from you. I wish he had been a servant in my time, he would have done well. You see, he’s taking what’s yours, all while making you believe that you never had it in the first place. It’s genius.” 

“You’re telling me nothing! Who is he?” Cas demanded, frustrated. 

“That’s what you need to find out, little brother.”

***

His brother told him to dig, so Cas was digging. 

The demon sticking it’s fingers through Cas’s memories was so constant that he almost didn’t feel it happening anymore. Almost. 

He still wasn’t sure why the demon did it. For a while Cas was pretty sure that the demon was just trying to collect information so that it made a believable imitation, but now he’s not so sure. Sometimes the demon didn’t even dig through the memories. Sometimes it just waded through them, floating around in a way that would seem almost nostalgic if they weren’t Cas’s memories instead of the demon’s.

There had been a few times in which Cas had felt the demon going through his memories and Cas just sat back and watched. It was times when most people were daydreaming or feeling particularly reflective anyway, like on long sunny car rides, or during that lull in between dinner and bedtime at the bunker. 

Cas would feel the demon thinking about his memories as if they were his own, but he could never tell what the demon was thinking about it, or how he felt about them. Cas had never bothered to try before, what did he care? It was a demon, it didn’t matter what he thought.

So here he was, lying in a bed that used to be his own, feeling the demon swim through his memories as if they belonged to him. The demon had feigned exhaustion and excused himself to bed. To Cas’s own annoyance, this was not before Dean squeezed his hand and smiled at him, his eyes warm. “Goodnight Cas.” He told him shyly. “Sleep good tonight, okay? We’re leaving early tomorrow for that vamp next in Ohio.” 

And then to Sam: “Shut up! Can’t I say goodnight to the guy?”

The demon had begun to do this more and more, spend more time inside of Cas’s memories. He was currently settling on a memory of long ago, a time in Heaven.

_“Castiel, we’re being assigned a very important job.”_

_“I know that, Uriel.”_

_“You can’t ruin this one, my friend. This is probably the most important thing we’ll ever do.”_

_“I will not ruin this. Why does everyone always insist that I will do something wrong?”_

_“Because you always do.”_

Cas winced at the memory: the day he and Uriel were assigned to rescue Dean. Everyone had assumed that he would fail, so they sent Uriel along to help. It didn’t matter though, because as soon as Cas saw Dean’s soul, he knew that that was one mission he would absolutely succeed in it. It was the one thing he had done right. 

Too bad he didn’t succeed in anything else after that. 

The demon wasn’t even talking to him anymore, just ignoring him, and Cas was doing his best pretending to be unconscious. Cas had been doing that a lot lately, pretending to be unconscious. Sometimes he’ll feel the demon checking up on him, and he’ll just fabricate a dream, and act it out, until he feels the demon move away from him. He also took special care not to address the demon directly, and he was essentially let alone. He had been doing this more and more, mostly when he just wanted a break from the demon, but this sort of invisibility would come in handy for this.

He felt the demon bring up the crystal clear memory of Cas rescuing Dean from Hell, and that’s when Cas started to search through the demon’s side.  
He felt around in his mind for things that weren’t his. He could feel a few flicker of emotions while the demon lapped up his memories, such as pity for Cas when Uriel assumed he would fail, and excitement from when Cas first saw Dean. But these emotions were small, basic. Something anyone would feel while bearing witness to Cas’s life. He wanted to know more, so he dug deeper.

He felt around for memories that weren’t his, just as Lucifer had said, but it proved to be difficult. How could he find memories of someone who couldn’t remember being human? The demon said that he didn’t even remember what his gender was. He had mentioned being a famous actor, but how could Cas believe anything that the demon told him? He just couldn’t, especially when he wasn’t finding many memories belonging to him. 

After a while he almost gave up, but after searching for what felt like hours? (Days? he could never tell when he was this closed off) he found a pile of memories, shoved in a small corner. At first, he thought they were his, because they consisted of torture and violence, and he almost swept over them, but after a second glance he realized they were the demon’s. Curiously, he peeked inside.

_The burning was everywhere and it was constant, but that was just a normal day in Hell, wasn’t it? But today wasn’t normal, because today was the day he forgot who he was. Or she? She forgot who she was?_

_No, he was pretty sure that he was a guy before Hell. Probably. He was definitely married to a woman or two._

_He had discovered that he was starting to get demonic powers a few weeks ago. Little things, like extra strength and the ability to go on and on, had started up. He knew that he certainly didn’t have a body anymore, although his original one was probably still buried somewhere. Or had he been cremated? It didn’t matter, that was hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Who even knew what year it was anymore? All he knew was pain. All he wanted was to make more pain._

_All he was, was smoke_

_He slid up to a body lying limp on a rack. This soul was still taking the form of a human, how cute._

_“Hey friend, how’s it going?”_

_The human soul glared up at him. “I’m in fucking hell, buddy. What do you think?”_

_He shrugged. “Personally, I think it’s a bit warm out, don’t you? Must be all the flames.”_

_“Would you just start the torture already? I don’t have time for this.”_

_“Time?” He scoffed. “You have all the time in the world.” He started slicing into the soul, laughing. Soon this soul would be just like him, black as night and nothing tangible; beautiful._

_And as the soul broke into sobs, a part of him wished that Dean was there to see his handiwork, to be proud of him, to see who he’s become._

_But Dean’s gone. That angel barged in and took away his Dean._

***

Cas couldn’t push away the memory fast enough. 

The demon knew Dean.

The demon knew Dean in Hell.

Cas wanted to scream.

In fact, Cas did scream. 

In his head of course, which got the demon’s attention. 

**_Ow Castiel, what the fuck? I’m kind of busy, pal._ **

_Where are we? What’s going on?_ He couldn’t see or hear anything, just floated through his ind

**_Chill. We’re on a hunt. With the Winchesters. I haven’t hurt them or eaten them or sacrificed them to Satan, so you can stop panicking._ **

It was too late, though, Cas was certainly panicking. For someone who had spent years inside Jimmy’s body, his old vessel suddenly seemed too small. He wanted to claw off his own skin and go back to being a beam of light. What was it called? _Claustrophobic._

_Let me out let me out let me out let me out._

**_Castiel? Calm down, okay?_** The demon’s concern was convincing, but Cas was too far gone to care. **_It’s okay. Here, do you want to see what’s  
happening?_**

No, I don’t. I want my body back I want you to go- 

But the demon wasn’t listening, he let Cas could see. 

Sam and Dean were standing outside of what looked like a warehouse, and were both staring at him. 

“What’s wrong, guys?” the demon asked. 

Cas sighed, despite being in the middle of panicking, he still found time to be annoyed at the demon’s imperfect imitation. 

“You okay, Cas?” Dean asked, trying to hide his concern. 

“Of course.” The demon laughed. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“Maybe because… you stopped walking and you were staring into space for like two whole minutes? It was like you didn’t even hear us.” 

Through Cas’s own subsiding panic, he could feel a spike of the demon’s own panic as well. He felt smug for a moment. Good. He should feel panicked.  
For the first time since all of this happened, Castiel realized something: he was going to beat this. He was going to win. 

The demon shrugged. “I was just… I’m tired. It’s been a long day, y’know?” 

The brothers nodded, but neither of them looked particularly convinced. 

“Right… we should probably head back.” Sam said, tucking his gun away. 

“But we’re so close! This is probably it!” The demon protested. 

“Cas, you’re right, it probably is, but you’re not alright, and I’d rather you be safe than finish off this case. We can bust this vamp nest tomorrow night, when you’re more rested.”  
Dean told him, already heading back to the Impala. 

The demon refused to move. “C’mon guys… let’s just finish the hunt. More people will die if we don’t.” 

Sam looked at him sympathetically. “Cas, it’ll be fine. Just let the guy worry over you, okay? It’s his job, especially now that you two are-“ 

He was cut off by the sounds of Dean screaming. A vampire had jumped Dean from behind the Impala, and was biting down. 

Cas didn’t waste one second, and bolted to them to rip the vampire off of Dean. Sam caught the vamp and swung his machete through it’s neck. 

Cas tore off his coat and shoved it onto his bleeding neck. “You’re going to be okay, Dean, it’s not a very deep bite.” 

Sam was already getting the car started. “Cas, we gotta go. Now.” 

Carefully, Cas picked up his bleeding friend, and set him down in back seat, with his head in his lap. “Keep putting pressure on your neck, Dean.” 

“Cas, it’s okay babe, I know how to handle a little vampire bite. Son of a bitch didn’t even start turning me yet.” Dean smiled up at him gratefully, as Sam threw the Impala into drive and sped out of there 

The gentle pet name was what made Cas realize that _he_ was in control of his body, and not the demon. Hearing Dean’s scream had pushed him to take over. Unfortunately, that was around the same time that the demon realized it, as well. 

“Dean, you have to help me, he’s got me.” Cas told him, eyes pleading with him to understand. 

Dean’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. “What? Who’s got you, Cas?” 

“The-“but before the words could leave his lips the demon grabbed hold of his throat, and forced his way up.

**_Uh-uh Castiel, nice try._ **

“The what, Cas? What’s got you?” Dean asked, reaching up to grab his face. 

The demon smiled down at Dean, and placed his hand over the one on his cheek. 

“Y-you do Dean. You’ve got me. Isn’t that what you say when they’re hurt?” the demon covered, sloppily 

Dean snorted. “It’s ‘ _I’ve_ got you’, you dork. Now distract me from this pain. 

A tiny part of Cas felt like he saw disbelief in Dean’s eyes, and that tiny part of him held on to hope for dear life. 


	7. Choke

“…and so I said ‘Sir, that’s not my brother, that’s a rat!’” Cas told him.

Dean stared at him for a moment, and Cas could see the gears moving in his head. 

“Oh!” He said, throwing his head back with a laugh. “That’s… that’s really funny, Cas. I had no idea you were so funny!”

Cas felt pleased. He couldn’t remember why Dean had learned Enochian, but it was nice to finally be able to tell him some of his jokes, most of which were pun-based. 

Cas loved puns. 

They were sitting in the Impala again, but neither of them were driving it. They were just… sitting. It was warm, but not unpleasant. Castiel was content.  
Dean was staring at him fondly, and Cas smiled at him, big.

“You never smile, anymore, Cas.”

“Well, now that I’m not possessed, everything is so much better,” Cas told him. Where were they going again? I didn’t really matter, he was happy to just be with Dean. It wasn’t often that they got to “hang out”.

“Cas… can I tell you something?” Dean asked, almost shy. He looked up at him through his eyelashes and bit his lip.

“Of course, Dean. You can tell me anything.” It started to rain outside, and Cas felt a strange comfort from the sound of the raindrops pelting against the roof. It was nice.

“Cas, I think I love you.” 

Nothing had ever sounded more beautiful. Nothing had ever sounded more like a lie. 

“Damn it.” Cas swore.

Dean’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. “What’s wrong?”  
He sighed. Of course this was a dream. Why couldn’t he just keep pretending it was real? It would be much less painful than this, wouldn’t it?

“You _could_ keep pretending.” Dean told him. “Just for right now. We could kiss and hold hands, all the stuff the _real_ Dean wouldn’t do.” This Dean was looking at him with so much pure affection that it made Cas sick. It was almost like being made fun of by his own dream. 

“There’s no point, I know it’s not real now. I don’t want to.”  
Dean nodded. “That’s probably for the best. It’s really important that you remember these things.”

“Why does it matter? Why can’t I just drift? It would be so much easier…” Cas muttered. Why was he even bothering to try anymore? He wanted to just sit and wait for Dean to save him. 

“Wait for me to _save_ you? Jesus, Cas. You’re not a _princess._ You’re better than this.” False Dean scoffed.

Cas shrugged. “No, I’m not. Eventually Dean or Sam will figure out what is happening, and exorcise the demon, and Dean will be disgusted with me and kick me out. Or I’ll die in here. Whichever comes first I suppose, but I’d rather wait for it in darkness than with something that’s not real.”

Dean rolled his eyes, and started rummaging through the cabinets. Oh. They were in the kitchen in the bunker, now. It was funny how dreams changed location without notice.

“Cas, what do you think this is?” The dream asked, gesturing around him. 

“A dream.” 

“No, _this._ All of this, Cas. The lucid dreams, me. Most people just fade to nothing while they’re possessed, but what do you do? You conjure up all these people and spend  
time with them. You control your own dreams, without a second thought. This Castiel, this is you fighting back. Your brother told you how to fight and you are. _I_ told you how to fight and _you are_. You’re not a princess locked up in a tower, Cas, you’re not.”

Cas laughed bitterly. “Digging through the demon’s memories and discovering _what?_ That he knew who Dean was? That isn’t enough to help me with anything! I’ve got nothing!” Quieter, he added: “I _am_ nothing.”

The fake Dean slammed his fist down on the counter. “Castiel! What am I then? Because I’m not Dean Winchester, am I? I’m not and you and I both know it. That’s why I never seem exactly like him to you, because I’m not. And I sure as hell ain’t the demon. Hell, even the demon knows what I am. So who am I?”

“…I don’t know.”

The dream just smiled at him, amused, but impatient. “Castiel… c’mon, we’re smarter than that, aren’t we? _I’m you._ ”

“I don’t understand.”

They were standing outside the bunker now, and Cas could feel the sun beating down through his trench coat. Oh, he was wearing his old coat. He missed that. 

But he did understand. He tilted his head. “You’re my… my subconscious?”

“In the flesh! Or… not really flesh, huh?” He looked down at himself. “But yes, I’m all the things that you think when you don’t know you’re thinking them. And I seem to keep taking the form of Dean. Wonder why.” He smirked, similar to the way that the real Dean did when he knew that he was making an inappropriate joke.

Cas just stared at him. What could he say?

“Uh, say ‘thank you’ for encouraging us? Do you see my point now, Castiel? The fact that I’m here is proof that there’s still a part of you fighting. The fact that I’m telling you to fight means that you _want_ to fight.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Scream, Castiel. Kick. Dean will save us, but we need to fight our way out as well. We want out. Let us out. Fight.” 

***

And so, Castiel screamed. 

He kicked harder than he ever kicked. 

Castiel fought, oh yes, he fought. He could feel himself buried, deep down in his skull. He wasn’t floating in the murky waters, he was chained down to the bottom of the ocean floor.

He was graceless and human and exhausted and possessed by a demon, but damn it, he was still a solider, and he was solider who wasn’t going to let a demon run his life. 

He could feel the demon pushing him, waves of pressure holding him down, but Cas kept moving up.

 ** _Castiel… now’s not really the time for one of your episodes._** The demon’s icy voice whispered.

Cas didn’t even bother responding, he just kept pushing upwards. 

**_Stop! What is it you want? More of my memories? Anything! Just stand down, Castiel._**

No. Castiel, Angel of the Thursdays, Soldier of Heaven, was not going to just stand down. He had never stood down in his entire existence. When they told him that he was to help destroy Sodom, he did not stand down. When he realized that Dean was right, and that free will was his true path, he did not stand down. He did not stand down during the Apocalypse, he did not stand down when he was fighting off hundreds of abominations in Purgatory to save Dean, and he did not stand down when Naomi took control of him.

_And I will certainly not stand down today._

Cas grabbed hold of what he felt like was a wisp of the demon, and tugged on it. He felt the demon prickle in annoyance as he felt around in the demon’s space. He pulled down on the demon, forcing himself upwards towards the surface.

_Dean._

***

He burst above the surface, and gasped for air. He felt his lungs fill with oxygen, and he realized that he was in control. He could feel the demon bubbling underneath him, fighting for dominance. When Cas had taken over before, it was because Dean was hurt, and because the demon had been having sex. Both times, the demon didn’t expect to be thrust under, and it had taken him a few minutes to regain consciousness and take back control.  
This time, it had been a battle for Cas’s body, and Cas won. It was not… steady, but he was in the driver’s seat, so to speak. 

Looking through his eyes, he saw Dean’s curious face peering back over him. After a beat, he saw that he was lying in a bed, facing his friend. Dean’s hand snaked over to lace his fingers with Cas, and he squeezed them comfortingly. 

He bolted to sit upright, ripping his hands away from Dean, and threw the covers back. He felt a flash of relief when he saw that yes, he was still clothed. Good. The demon hadn’t taken everything away yet.

“Cas?” Dean asked, his voice full of concern. “What’s wrong, man? Are you feeling alright?”

Cas could feel the demon ripping at his vocal chords, screaming inside his head. He was so tired, he really was. It would be so easy to slip back into the comforting ocean…

 _No._ He had to fight back. This body may not have been his from the start, but it’s his now.

He turned back to Dean, and forced his mouth to move.

“We… we didn’t have sex?” He asked him frantically, stomping down on demon, powering through the pain.

Dean made a face, but Cas wouldn’t exactly call it one of disgust. It was more like he was experiencing a combination of confused, embarrassed, and concerned all at once.

“Uh… no. Not yet. Er- not that I was planning on jumping you tonight. I mean technically _you_ came in _here,_ but I figured it was to talk, and… cuddle a little, which is what we were doing until your little freak-out, right?” Dean’s voice dropped when he said the word “cuddle”, as if someone would hear him and accuse him of being feminine.  
Cas jumped out of the bed. He needed to be moving. He had to concentrate on something other than the searing pain that was scraping through his brain. It was like nails on a chalk board, squeaking in tenfold. It was all he could feel. 

“Dean, I’ve got a hold on it, but you need to move fast. I don’t think it’s very powerful, so I know you’ve fought much worse, but you’ve got to stop him. I’m so sorry Dean…” Cas was babbling, and he knew it, but he couldn’t stop long enough to think. The demon was climbing his way up Cas’s spine, clawing his way to the top. His grip on his own body wouldn’t last for long. 

Dean crawled out of bed after him, and managed to grab hold of his wrist. “Cas? What the hell? He? It? What is happening?”

Cas managed to croak out “De-“before the taste of sulfur filled his mouth and he felt a hand shove him down. 

He wasn’t even sure if he was trying to say “Dean” or “demon”, but he saw a gleam of understanding in the hunter’s eyes. 

His vision gone, he could hear his own voice calling out to Dean, “Oh Dean! I think that losing my grace has caused me to go insane again! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

Cas tried to scream out _I DON’T SPEAK LIKE THAT_ but the demon laughed at him, smug.

It was too late, though, because Dean looked at him straight in the eye and said as clear as day: “Cristo.”

Cas could feel the thick black smoke bleed into his eye sockets, and he felt a sense of pride, knowing that he had won.


	8. Life Saver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter:  
> [SPOILERS] graphic descriptions of violence and torture in this chapter.

Dean was in a comfortable state of half-asleep when he felt a sliver of light creep up his face as the door to his bedroom was slowly pushed open. He was still asleep, but it was the light kind of sleep, the kind where you’re aware that you’re sleeping, but don’t really want to wake up.

“Sam…” he murmured with the twitch of his lips. “G’outta here. M’sleeping.”

“It’s not Sam.” A hushed voice whispered back. “It’s me.”

“Yeah? Well ‘me’ can go away, I’m asleep.”

The voice snorted. “If you’re sleeping then how could you be talking to me right now?”

He felt someone slide under the covers next to him, and the warmth of another body felt good.

“This better be Cas.” Dean grumped, a lazy smile tugging at his lips.

“What would you do if it was?”

Dean opened his eyes, and turned around to face him. Oh shit, Cas wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“Are you _flirting_ with me, Castiel?” 

The ex-angel tried not to smile, and Dean broke into a grin.

“Well, it would appear that way, wouldn’t it?” Cas said.

Dean shifted so that he was lying on his side, and winced in pain. Oh yeah, he got bit by a fucking vamp today. The memories from the hunt start flooding back to him. Son of a bitch.

God, he had called Cas ‘babe’. Who the fuck does that? He’d never even called Lisa that. It had just slipped out.

But wait… what else had happened? 

_“Dean, you have to help me, he’s got me.”_

That’s right. Cas had went from rescuing Dean, to begging to be saved. He had covered it up, but Dean saw it exactly as that-a cover-up. A part of had Dean had panicked; who had Cas? Was this a repeat of Naomi? 

It wasn’t possible, he had told himself the entire car ride home while he laid in Cas’s lap, bleeding. But he was in too much pain to concentrate on anything but the soothing feeling of Cas’s hand through his hair, and the searing pain in his neck.

_“Y-you do Dean. You’ve got me. Isn’t that what you say when they’re hurt?”_

Cas may get a little confused when it came to pop culture references or slang, but he wasn’t stupid. He hadn’t made a mistake, he was in trouble. Dean hadn’t been there when Cas needed help in the past, and he wasn’t going to let that happen again. Was it Naomi? Out of all the fallen angels they had encountered, they had yet to come across her. Was it possible that she hadn’t fallen, and that she was helping Metatron? The traffic of angels had been pretty clear lately, they hadn’t seen one in weeks. Perhaps they were all back in Heaven, and they had a hold on Cas again. 

The two were lying side by side, facing each other. Dean realized that he hadn’t said anything for a few moments, and his friend was staring at him earnestly. 

“Cas…? What are you doing here, really?”

Cas looked hurt at the question, so Dean continued. “Er- not that I don’t want you here. It’s always great to see you, but it’s kinda late, isn’t it? Do you need something?”

Cas’s face relaxed, and he smiled at the hunter. “I just wanted to check on you. I was worried.” God dammit, did he have to look at him so adoringly? No one had ever looked at 

Dean like that, not even Sammy when they were kids. 

It’s different from when Cas was an angel. Cas always look at Dean like this, but never so extreme as this. Like he wanted to please Dean more than anything else, like he wanted his approval. 

“Oh. Thanks, man. That’s pretty sweet.” Dean replied, awkwardly. Jesus Christ, it had been almost a week since their little date to the baseball game, and Dean was still awkward as hell around him. They’d never been awkward with each other, despite Cas’s terrible social cues. They just weren’t. But now…

Then again, he’d never kissed his best friend until last week, either. They hadn’t really had time to do anything else since then, because of the case. The only thing that had really changed (besides the blatant awkwardness) was a few gentle touches here and there between them: a lingering touch on the shoulder, or Cas resting his head on Dean’s shoulder in the car while Sam slept in the back seat. Small things. 

“I can uh… I can go.” Cas told him stiffly, as he started to shuffle around. 

Dean shook his head. “That’s not what I meant, dude. I was just curious, is all. It’s been a while since someone’s visited me in bed.” He joked.

“It’s not a big deal.” Cas told him, looking worried. “I really should go.”

God, now Dean was fucking up even this. Cas had come into his room to see him, and Dean was fucking it up. If only his nerves would calm down, then he could actually handle this. He was getting a little worried that his heart was beating so fast it would jump up his throat. 

Was Cas nervous, too? Is that why he kept talking about leaving? He squeezed his eyes tight, biting his lip. 

“Cas?” 

No response. He almost looked like he was fighting himself. Oh fuck, did Cas think that he had to have sex with Dean, now? Because that’s definitely not the case.

Well, it’s like Dean hasn’t thought about it. Oh yeah, he’s _definitely_ thought about it. But this was his best friend here, and he wasn’t going to push him into something like that, in love with the dude or not. Even if Cas _had_ already had sex with someone else. But still.  
Cas’s eyes flashed open, and he gasped. 

Well, if he was so nervous, it was Dean’s job to make him more comfortable. Clearly Cas had come here with an agenda, and if was trying to hype himself up into have sex with Dean when he wasn’t ready, then Dean wouldn’t have it. He slid his hand over the blanket, looking for Cas’s hand. When he finally found it, he laced their fingers together, and squeezed. They didn’t have to do anything. They could just talk. 

Suddenly, Cas ripped away from Dean, and was sitting up in the bed, the blankets thrown aside. He looked around frantically, and finally, to his own body, at the grey boxer shorts he was wearing. He had been lying with Cas in _his boxers._

Okay, so he definitely wasn’t ready.

“Cas? What’s wrong, man? Are you feeling alright?”

Cas’s head was tilted down, his eyes screwed shut. He grit his teeth, and Dean could see the muscles in his arm twitch. He was fighting something, Dean could see it. 

“We… we didn’t have sex?” He asked, the words rushing out in a choke. 

Of course not, where had he been?

“Uh… no. Not yet. Er- not that I was planning on jumping you tonight. I mean technically you came in here, but I figured it was to talk, and… cuddle a little, which is what we were doing until your little freak-out, right?”

What was he doing? Cas pushed himself off the mattress, and begun pacing around the room, three steps left, turn, three steps right. Clean, crisp turns. Soldier-like.

“Dean, I’ve got a hold on it, but you need to move fast. I don’t think it’s very powerful, so I know you’ve fought much worse, but you’ve got to stop him. I’m so sorry Dean…” Cas babbled, the heels of his palms pressing into his eyes.

Dean grabbed at his wrist, trying to force him to stop pacing. “Cas? What the hell? He? It? What is happening?”

So he was right, something had him. Not Naomi? Metatron? Could he take over Cas like this?

Cas choked out a syllable, desperate to bite out the words, before he straightened up, and smiled pleasantly. What the fuck?

Instantly, Dean knew. Of course, how could have been anything else?

Whatever it was grabbed at Dean, begging him. “Oh Dean! I think that losing my grace has caused me to go insane again! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

But he knew. This wasn’t Cas. Without even thinking, Dean blurted out “Cristo.”

Cas’s blue eyes were smothered by a thick black, and Dean’s suspicions were confirmed.  
The man that was not Cas started laughing.

“So, you’ve figured me out, huh?” The voice that was coming out of Cas’s mouth wasn’t anything like Cas’s. It wasn’t like Jimmy’s, or the Leviathan, either. It was much higher, and loud. Dean’s world came crashing down.

His smile was broad, his gums showing. It was eerily like the smile he had displayed all throughout their first date. Had Cas been possessed for that long?

They were still standing only inches apart, Dean’s hand still curled around his wrist. Dean drew back, shouting. _“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus-“_

But he was flying across the room, and flung against the wall before he could get another word out. His back was pressed into one of his knifes on the wall, and he could feel a trickle of blood trail down his spin. His entire body was paralyzed.

“Not so fast, my love. It doesn’t work that way, now does it?” The demon giggled, and Dean felt puke rise up in his throat. Cas.

“Fuck you.” He bit out. “Get out of him, now.”

The demon laughed again. “But lover, I’m so cozy here. And you’re so into this meat suit that I just had to.”

Oh shit. Where was Sam? Dean realized that he didn’t even know what time it was, just that it was late. Was he still sleeping peacefully? “SAMMY!” Dean roared. “We got a demon problem!”

“Oh, you want to see your little brother, do you? Well, sure! Let’s just have a little reunion.” The demon flicked his wrist and Dean was flying through the bunker, crashing in the main room. 

The demon was right behind him, wearing Dean’s dead guy robe. He laughed again.

“What’s so goddamn funny?” Dean asked, still fighting for the ability to move. “Got something to share with the class?”

The demon wiped his eye, and sighed happily. “Well, you see, Sam’s already tied up, see?” He pointed across the room where yes, Sam was tied up in chains to a chair. He tried to speak, but was stopped by the gag that was tied tightly around his mouth. His arms were fidgeting, trying to break free. His face was bruised and bloodied.

The demon swung his arm, and threw Dean so he was up against another wall. 

“How’d you do it?” Dean grunted.

“Do what, my darling?” The demon moved so that he was close to Dean. He cupped his cheek.

Dean tried to move away from his hand, but the demon held on firmly. 

“Possess him. He’s had that tattoo for nearly two months.” Dean’s eyes flickered to Cas’s forearm to prove his point. “How’d you get past it?”

The demon leaned into Dean’s space, and with his lips just barely grazing Dean’s ears, he whispered “I have my ways.”

He moved his lips away from Dean’s ear, and placed a slow kiss on his cheek. 

“I am going to fucking destroy you. I will kill you, I don’t care how long it fucking takes but I won’t stop until you’re in fucking hell, you son of a bitch! Get out of him!” Dean spat out, struggling to get free.

The demon was pushing Cas’s body up against Dean, in a position that in any other time would have been perfect but it only enraged Dean more.

The demon scoffed. “Please, Dean. As if he’d want to see you now.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Behind the demon, he could see Sam struggling with the chains, still tied to the chair. 

“Oh Dean, I’m sure by now you’ve realized that Cas wasn’t driving Jimmy this whole time. Everything that happened between us? All me.”

“You’re a fucking liar.” 

“No, it’s true.” The demon pushed off of him, and started pacing the room. “All those longing looks, the flirting, the _kissing,_ that was all me, baby. Castiel had no interest in you.”

That couldn’t be true. The thing between them, it had been a long time coming. Years, even, right? Cas must’ve just gotten possessed, during the case, probably.

“Nope,” Dean said confidently. “Cas loves me. He told me.”

The demon giggled. “Please. That was me. Castiel doesn’t love you. I do. I can’t even begin to explain to you how angry he was at me for pursuing you. He was _disgusted_.”

“Shut up.” Dean said, trying to look away from him. “That’s not possible. You just possessed him a few day ago.”

“It’s been _months._ ” The demon corrected. “And he’s been screaming this whole time.”

Dean felt like he had been punched in the gut. Cas had been screaming to get out. A hot rage was firing in his stomach, and he felt his face harden, as he went into hunt mode.

“This is your last warning. Leave his body now. I’m not fucking kidding.”

“Oh please, this isn’t even his body. We’re all sharing Jimmy now. Hey, maybe _you’ll_ get a turn inside him next.” The demon quirked his eyebrows. Ugh, gross.

“Okay, that’s disgusting.”

The demon was up in space in an instant, shoving a leg in between his. “It wasn’t disgusting when you jerked off to the angel in the shower, now was it? It wasn’t disgusting at all.” 

Dean tried to keep his face neutral, but it was hard not to show his surprise. It wasn’t possible for this fucking demon to know any of that, right? He was probably just bluffing; making shit up and hoping it was true.

“Y’know, I was going to seduce you tonight. We were finally going to make love, after all these years of me wanting you, we were finally going to be together.”

Dean smirked. “Yeah, well. Get in line.”

“But that… angel.” He spat out. “Stopped me. Took you away from me, again. It’s why I tied up ol’ Sammy here. See, originally I was going to kill him and then fuck you, but I decided on fucking you and then killing him. But Castiel had to go and stop me. Oh well, there’s still time for both.”

“You’re sick.”

“I know!” he said excitedly. He flicked his wrist, sending some of the old swords hanging on the wall to float towards Dean, and point at him. Twenty deadly knives and swords, inches from his face. “I’m going to carve all three of our faces, until we’re beautiful.” He sighed.

“Sorry, sweetheart. Me an’ Sam are already pretty darn good looking, so that’s out. And you’re definitely not allowed to fuck up Cas’s face. I’m kinda partial to that face.” He was trying so hard to keep up the snark.

The demon rolled his eyes. “Dean, please, I already told you. He was angry that you were into him. But I wasn’t! I knew you were in love with him, that’s why I chose him.”  
Dean couldn’t breathe. That couldn’t be true, could it? Dean had been so sure that Cas had loved him back, even before the angels fell. He had to love him, Dean knew it. Even if he didn’t love him back, he wouldn’t have been disgusted by Dean’s affection. …right? Was Cas inside the entire time of their relationship, horrified that Dean was in love with him?

“W-who _are_ you?”

“I’m your creation!” He announced, extending his arms out as if to present himself. “And I’ve come home!”

“What- like my son? I’m pretty sure I haven’t birthed any demons lately.” 

_Don’t show any weakness, Dean. That’s how the monsters get you. You wanna walk out of anything alive? Pretend like you already know you will._ A ghost of his father’s voice whispered to him. It was what John had said to him on his first hunt, Dean had cried. _One day you’re gonna have to stand up against something nasty as hell, and it’s going to have something you love. So what are you gonna do, cry about it like some pussy? No, son. You’re gonna act like you’re gonna be able to walk out of there. That way, you will._

The demon laughed. “No, not exactly, unless you’re into that whole incest thing.” He turned around to glance at Sam, who instantly stopped struggling against the chains. “I didn’t think you were, but Sammy here was my second choice if Castiel’s meat bag didn’t. The goal was to become something you loved.”

“You didn’t answer my fucking question, you stupid son of a bitch.” Dean gritted out. “Who. Are. You.”

“Oh lover, you really don’t remember me? I’m kind of hurt.” His tone was mocking, but for a small moment the demon looked insecure. 

“Jog my memory, dude. What are you, some one-night stand I forgot about? Come back to tell me you hate me for leaving in the morning?” Dean asked, watching the swords pointed at him.

“One night stand?” He asked incredulously. “Please. Try _ten years._ ”

_Ten years…_

It was then when Dean noticed that Sam had worked the cloth out of his mouth. Sam raised his eyebrows at him in a question, but Dean shook his head slightly. _Not yet._ Sam nodded, worriedly. The demon was too busy rubbing his fingers up and down one of the longer swords, the one pointed straight at Dean’s throat, to notice. 

“So… now I’ve come back to you! I’ve already gotten rid of that pesky angel, and after I carve your face, I’m going to get rid of Sam too. It’s genius, really. You’ll be in so much pain, and then have to watch the person you’ve loved your entire life die. It’s too bad you didn’t get to see Cas die, but his was too slow to be any sort of entertainment”

Dean could feel a ringing in his ears. No, Cas wasn’t dead, he couldn’t be. They had come so far, and they were finally together. After everything that had happened, he finally had Cas back. 

“He’s… he’s dead?” Dean finally whispered. “Inside there? He’s gone?”

“Absolutely! I told you, he was in the way! And, I had to show you how talented I’ve become. Starting with you.” He moved a small knife so that it was barely grazing Dean’s cheek. 

Any closer and it would be cutting into his skin, but it wasn’t. 

Dean closed his eyes. He didn’t care anymore, Cas was dead. Fine, carve up his face, make him ugly. He didn’t care.

“I don’t want to do this…” the demon whispered, and that’s when Dean realized who he was.

***

_Dean could feel his skin melting off of his face for the third time that day, when Alastair came back._

_“Ah Dean, how’s my favorite customer? Everything satisfactory?” He was digging out one of Dean’s eyes from his socket with a knife. Dean screamed, but it didn’t matter, this was only the fourth or fifth time this had happened in the past few hours._

_He could feel the pain everywhere, as the knife dug deeper into his socket, digging around as slow as possible. Alastair was taking his time. The blood was seeping down his face, mixing in with the melting flesh._

_“Comfy, here on the rack? I had the hooks sharpened especially for you, Dean.” He whispered, biting his ear._

_“Fuck… off…” Dean gritted out, but he made no attempts to move away from the demon._

_Alastair stepped back from Dean, leaving the knife to stick out of Dean’s socket, the eyeball half hanging out._

_Dean looked up at his torturer, confused. Alastair had never left a job unfinished. He could see Alastair pouring alcohol into an old rusty bucket, along with some other added ingredients._

_“So… thought about my offer at all?” he asked casually._

_Torture other souls… that was Alastair’s offer. Dean was almost looking forward to Alastair asking him each day, because it meant it was the end of his torturing for the night._

_He’d finally get a few hours of peace. It was getting harder each day to say no._

_Instead of speaking, Dean bit down on his tongue._

_“Now Dean… hurting yourself is only going to help me. All this does is prove how great you’d be at it. You’re a prodigy. You’d finally be good at something other than fucking things up.”_

_And with that, Alastair tossed the content of the bucket onto Dean, whistling. Dean screamed in agony as the acidic liquid stripped his bones of the remaining flesh he had left. He shouldn’t be able to scream, but here he was._

_“I’d only be torturing people who deserve to be here.” Dean said finally, his voice hoarse._

_Alastair nodded. “Exactly. Everyone who is here deserves it. You’ll be hurting rapists and murderers. Monsters, Dean. It’s your job.”_

_“And you’d stop with me each day? I’d get off the rack?” Dean asked, but he knew the answer._

_Alastair didn’t answer. He didn’t have to, he had already won._

_And so that day, Dean hopped off the rack, and began to torture others._

_“Here’s your first customer, Dean. I’ve already gotten started by ripping off his limbs a few times, but I want to see what you can do with it. Get creative, make me proud.”_

_The body that was hanging on the rack was one of an attractive looking male, even past his missing arms and legs that were in the midst of growing back. Dean thought he possibly recognized him, like from a movie or somewhere, but he didn’t care about things like that anymore. He just wanted to hurt someone who hurt him._

_“He’s brand new to hell, Dean. You’ll be his first.” Alastair whispered in his ear. He stood behind him, both hands on his shoulder._

_“Well, I’ll be sure to give him a welcome basket.” He ripped the knife from his eye socket with a grunt, and turned to the soul. Before he made his first slice, he whispered. “I don’t want to do this…”_

***  
Dean’s eyes flashed open. “I know who you are.”

The demon moved the knife away from Dean’s face. “You do?” he asked, excited.

“Yeah… you were my first.”

The demon practically swooned. “I knew you would remember me! I came back for you, Dean. So we could be together.”

Dean could feel his eyes start to sting. “You’re a demon now… I-I I’m so sorry. You’re a demon now, because of me.”

The demon kissed Dean on the lips, sloppy and gleefully. “That’s okay! It’s okay because now we can be together! You showed me so much down there, you shaped me into what I am today. I fell in love with you down there, Dean. All I ever wanted was for you to see me the way I saw you.”

Dean couldn’t believe his ears. Oh yeah, he knew exactly who this demon was. This was the soul that had become his favorite to torture. His screams were always the loudest, his tears always the biggest. Usually Alastair would just point him in the direction of a soul to torture, but whenever Dean had some spare time, he’d head straight for his first. 

And now his first was a demon.

Dean did that. 

“You… you’re crazy. You don’t _love_ me, you’re just so fucked up from Hell that you’re obsessed with me. That’s not love dude. That’s messed up.” Dean choked on a sob. 

Oh yeah, he was crying now. “That’s fucked up, and I’m so, so sorry.”

The demon dropped all of the knives and swords from the air.

His face crinkled up in confusion. “No… this isn’t right. You’re not supposed to apologize. You’re supposed to be impressed with how talented I’ve become. You’re supposed to love me back.”

Dean shook his head. “I’m sorry. I wish that I hadn’t turned you into this. I really do.”

The demon shook his head as well, imitating Dean. “No. No no no no. This isn’t how it’s supposed to work. You were going to see how beautiful I’ve become, after I’ve killed everything you loved. I became Castiel because you loved him. Everyone knows you do! That’s what everyone in Hell said. And now you love me! You have to!”

The demon had released Dean from the wall, and was now holding him by his arms.

“I love you, Dean. I love you. Nobody else loves you like I do. Not even Sam. Not even Castiel.”

Dean looked up at Sam, who was waiting patiently. He nodded.

_“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus…”_

“No!” the demon cried, grabbing at Dean.

“This isn’t love. I’m so sorry for what I did to you, I really am, but what you’re doing to me? Murdering my best friend? Hurting my brother? That’s not love.”

_“omnis satanica potestas…”_

The demon thrashed around, and Dean wrapped his arms around him. “You’ll be okay…” he murmured, lying through his teeth. “It’s okay… shhh….”

Dean was doing something to the demon that he had never done in his life.

Showing mercy.

_“omnis incursio infernalis adversarii…”_

“I have nothing without you.” The demon sobbed. “I’m nothing!”

Dean didn’t reply. He just held him tighter. 

_“omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica!”_ Sam finished, voice clear.

 ** _“NO!”_** Thick smoke burst from Cas’s throat, screaming at him. Dean covered his face, letting go of his hold on the body.

Cas’s body collapsed, and Dean caught him again, laying him down in his lap.

Sam was out of the chair instantly, chains untied. Of course the kid had freed himself, he probably had them unlocked a while ago, and was waiting for Dean’s cue.

Sam knelt down next to the two, squeezing Dean’s shoulder as Dean hugged the lifeless body. Cas was gone, and it was Dean’s fault.

“Cas… please.” Dean cried, hugging the body.

He heard a faint murmur from Cas’s lips. “Dean…”

Dean slowly brought Cas’s body away from his. Oh thank God. Fuck, he’s alive. Cas’s blue eyes looked up at him. 

Dean’s sob turned into a harsh laugh. “Cas. You’re alive.”

Cas’s lips twisted into a small smile. “You… you saved me.” He whispered, his voice hoarse. “I’ve been fighting so hard to get back to you.”

“God, Cas. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry.” Nothing else mattered, Cas was alive. He pulled Cas back into the hug, and held on for dear life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, when I originally came up with the idea for this fic, way back in like July or something, it was going to be a one-shot of Dean coming home to the bunker one day to discover Cas possessed by a demon, and Sam badly hurt.
> 
> I wrote the whole thing out, and it was about 5k. I just didn't like the piece, but I still really liked the concept. This is how I ended up writing my first multi-chapter Supernatural fic. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by my side all these months while I birthed this. You're all amazing. 
> 
> Epilogue will be up soon.


	9. Anchor

“You know… Dean’s never gone through it before.” Sam said, through the sound of crunching leaves. It had been three weeks, and Dean had been gone ever since. Sam had been very kind and gentle with Cas, bringing him meals, and watching TV with him. Never poking or prodding, just being there. Sam had woken up Cas this morning with a mug full of coffee, telling him to get dressed, they were going on a walk. 

“Gone through what?” Cas asked.

“Possession. Did you know that? All these years hunting, and it just never happened to him.”

“Mmm.” 

It was getting colder out these days. The leaves had all fallen and the trees were left bare. 

“He doesn’t understand what it feels like. The helplessness. The fighting. He just doesn’t understand what it’s like.”

Sam had been possessed twice. He understood.

“I don’t need him to understand, I need him to forgive me.” Cas told him, wrapping his coat around himself tighter. He missed the trench coat.

Sam stopped walking. “He’s- Cas, he’s not mad at you.”

Cas stared at Sam, letting the words sink in. “How could he not be? I almost got both of you killed? And he left- almost immediately.”

It was true. After Cas had woken up in Dean’s arms, he took a shower and went to bed. When he woke up the next morning, Sam said he was gone, off on some hunt. But Cas knew the truth. Dean wanted to get away from him. He had gotten in the Impala and left.

Sam clutched his arm, and stared him down with a hard look. “Cas. Nobody is angry with you. It was absolutely not your fault. I promise. You had zero control over anything that happened.”

“Then why is Dean gone?”  
Sam looked down, scratching his neck. “He’s embarrassed.”

“Oh.” They started walking again.

Cas hadn’t considered that. He had just assumed that Dean was angry with him for not fighting back hard enough, or for not stopping the demon in the first place. Cas imagined that Dean felt pretty betrayed.

The past three weeks had been a pattern of Cas sleeping, waking up, sitting with Sam, and then going back to sleep. He hadn’t done much else other than help Sam with some mild research on random supernatural topics. There was a lot of things that Cas couldn’t remember anymore, but there was also a lot of knowledge he still had, and Sam had been having him write it all down for the archives. It was nice, and Cas really did love Sam, but he missed Dean.

“What… what is he embarrassed about?” Cas asked finally.

Sam shrugged. “A lot of things, man. Put yourself in his shoes. He’s mad at himself for not realizing that you were possessed, and-“Sam cut himself off, and looked anywhere but at Cas. 

Cas felt cold. It was pleasing, having all of his sensations back, but a small part of him missed the warmth of being inside his own mind. Did that make him selfish? To miss being possessed, even if it was only a little bit? Things certainly were easier back then. 

“When do you think he’ll come back?” Cas asked, after a while. He knew Sam wouldn’t answer any of the other hundreds of questions Cas had. Where is he? Is he hunting? Is he off with someone else? Did he tell you how he felt? Can I talk to him soon? Does he really love me?

Sam smiled at him gently. “I don’t know, Cas. I talked to him three days ago and he was pretty sure that it would still be a little while.”

“He’s not on a case.” It wasn’t a question.

Sam shook his head. “He didn’t want me telling you, in case you went after him.”

“I won’t go after him.” Cas may be in desperate need to see him, but he wouldn’t go to him against his wishes. Cas could respect his space.

“No. I know you won’t, Cas. And Dean knows it too. He’s just paranoid and upset. He wouldn’t even tell _me,_ he was so paranoid about it. He wants to be left alone.”

They walked for a little while more after that, just the two of them. They were in town now, walking past little shops and stores. It was an uncomfortable pause, and Cas wanted the awkwardness to end.

“So… you two… you were in a _relationship._ Er- the demon and Dean were, at least.” Sam said eventually.

“Yes.” Cas confirmed. “I was there for a lot of that.”

“Right…” Sam continued. “But how much of that was _you?_ The demon said he was in love with Dean.”

“I know. You told me that.” Cas had been unconscious for most of the confrontation, up until he was exorcised. Sam had filled him in on most of the details over the past few  
weeks, but Cas still felt like there was some things being left out. 

“He also said that you were disgusted over the relationship.” Sam prodded.

“I was.” Cas said simply.

“…oh.” 

After a few moments Cas realized how that could be interpreted and added: “…because I didn’t want the demon to be anywhere near Dean. It upset me to have him be with Dean.”

“That wasn’t my question.”

Cas sighed. He knew what Sam was really asking. He wanted to know if Cas felt about his brother the way the demon did. 

“You want to know if I love him.” 

Sam nodded. “It’s okay if you don’t.”

“I’m not ashamed of how I feel, Sam. I’m in love with him.”

Sam exhaled in relief. “I’m… I’m really glad, Cas.”

Cas felt a warm affection for his friend. “It’s okay?”

Sam patted Cas’s shoulder. “With all this shit that’s happening in the world? The angels, Abaddon, Crowley… with everything going on, hearing something like this, well. It’s more than okay, Cas.”

“I don’t think he feels the same way.”

Cas expected Sam to make a bunch of noise about how Cas is just feeling insecure, or demand to know exactly why he thought that Dean didn’t love him back, but he didn’t. He just smiled sadly and said, “That’s something the two of you have got to figure out together, right?”

Cas sighed. He couldn’t figure it out with Dean if Dean wasn’t here.

“I suppose so.” A few teenagers on skateboards flew past. “Can we go back now?” Cas was tired, he wanted to go to sleep.

***

The Impala was parked next to the bunker when they got back. Cas burst through the door and found Dean sitting at the main room table, looking sheepish. “Hey, Cas.”  
Cas came flying down the stairs, and ran all the way up to where Dean was seated. He stopped short in front of him, and pulled him up into a hug.

“I was worried you weren’t coming back.” Cas confessed as they broke apart.

Dean huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, and leave you here with Sam? He’d bore you to death with his books.”

Sam huffed as he came through the room. “Dean, you’re back.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I know you want to hug, too. C’mere.” Dean spread his arms, and Sam came crashing into him.

“Don’t just leave like that, you dick.” 

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I just had to think.” Dean at least had the decency to look embarrassed about it. “I’m back though, okay? No more running off for me.”

“Good.” Sam clapped him on the back. “I’m going to check up on some things. You two, _talk_.” He gave Dean and Cas a significant look, and then wandered off in the direction of his room.

Dean chuckled awkwardly. “Do you uh- do you want to go for a walk with me?”

“I just went on one with Sam.”

Dean rubbed the back of his neck and stared at the floor. “Oh uh- right. Duh. Never mind.”

“Dean.” Cas said. Dean’s head snapped up to look at Cas. “I can go on another one, I don’t mind.”

“Oh.” He exhaled. “Alright, let’s go.” He reached for his jacket, which was sitting on the table still, and Cas wondered if he had come home and sat down right away to wait for them.

Dean yelled to Sam that they were leaving, and Sam hollered back that that was fine. The big round door of the bunker creaked behind them, and they headed out.

The brisk air spiked Cas’s skin as they walked, and he hoped that his nose wasn’t turning red. That was something that he discovered about himself: his face turning red when he got cold.

“So…” Dean started.

“Where were you?” Cas blurted out. He knew that they had to talk about what happened, but Cas needed to know this, first.

Dean looked sheepish again. “I wasn’t on any hunt.” He admitted. Cas nodded, he figured that much.

“I went to Charlie’s apartment. She’s been living in Chicago these days, with a group of cyber hunters. Can you believe that? They’re like a bunch of Bobbys and Men of Letters, but everything’s on this big, online database. It’s crazy.”

Cas had yet to meet Charlie, but Dean had told him about her enough times. She was essentially his best friend, these days. Cas remembered when he was his best friend.

They were quiet after that, for a while. Cas shivered.

“I was awake, for a lot of it, you know.” 

Dean sucked in his breath. “I was… I was kinda wonderin’ about that.”

Cas nodded. “I missed our date. The demon said it was a baseball game.”

“Yeah. Royals game. One of the last of the season, actually. I bought you kettle corn.”

“He kept me out of a lot of the significant things.”

“Oh.” Dean had always been a loud thinker, and long ago Cas had given up on reading his mind, because he always had always known what he was thinking. Now Cas wasn’t even able to read his mind, but he still didn’t have to.

“What was it like?” Dean asked finally. “I’ve never…” he didn’t need to finish his sentence, Cas knew.

“It was a lot like drowning, I think.” Cas told him, and when Dean looked confused, he kept going. “They say that while you’re drowning, once you get over the initial panic, it’s peaceful. A lot of times it was.”

“Peaceful? It was peaceful to be possessed by a goddamn demon?”

Cas shrugged. “Sometimes. I dreamt a lot. It was comfortable.”

Dean wrinkled his nose. “You _dreamt_? Jesus, Cas, how long where you out?”

“Since _Fight Club._ ” 

Dean stopped walking. “Shit. The bastard wasn’t lying. It really was for months. Cas, we watched _Fight Club_ in June.”

“Yes.” Cas agreed. They continued their walk.

“So… what did you dream about?”

Cas could see his breath. “Lots of things. They were strange for a while, but then they were calm. I had begun to be able to control the dreams. It was better than watching the demon be with you.”

The hunter didn’t say anything, he just shuffled through the leaves.

“I was awake for the kiss.” There, he had dropped the bomb. 

Dean choked. “I swear to god Cas, if I had known it was you… if I had known you were so against it- I never would have. I’m so fucking sorry, man,” he babbled.

Dean’s lip trembled, and Cas realized that he was trying not to cry. They were deep into the woods now; they had walked in the opposite direction that he and Sam had, towards civilization. 

“I’m not angry with you, Dean.”

Dean looked up at him pleadingly, and it was the first real time they had made eye contact on their entire walk. He missed this.

“You’re not?”

“Never. It wasn’t your fault, Dean, I promise. You had no control over what happened.” He told him, repeating almost exactly what Sam had said to him earlier. 

Dean shook his head. “No. I should have _known,_ Cas. I’m a fucking idiot.” He stared straight ahead, blinking back tears. “Cas,I know you man. Better than anyone. I should have known right away that that wasn’t you. All the signs… fuck. I should have just known.”

“Dean… he was very good at being me.”

Dean shrugged. “Yeah. But I shoulda known.”

Cas shivered again, and Dean sighed. He chucked off his jacket and handed it to Cas.

He glanced at Dean, who was wearing nothing but a plaid button-up over a t-shirt. “No, Dean. I don’t need it.”

Dean snorted. “Like hell. Just wear it, okay?”

Cas held his hand out and Dean passed over the jacket. Cas was already wearing a hoodie and a denim jacket, so it was a tight squeeze to put the jacket on as well, but it was warming.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said gruffly. 

The grey sky was slowly growing darker and the trees rustled all around them.

“We should head back.” Cas said.

“Yeah.”

They made their way back to the bunker, and Cas started to feel a coldness settle within him. They weren’t going to talk about it. 

They walked back to the bunker in silence, Dean still sniffling a little. When they reached the door, they both lingered, neither of them wanting to go back inside. It was dark, then, and the stars were beginning to peek down at them.

Making the decision for them, Cas walked the few steps towards the Impala, and sat on it’s hood. 

Dean grinned at him, and followed. Cas’s heart swelled. There was still hope, for their friendship, at least. 

“Have you ever been up there?” Dean asked him, point up at the stars.

“What do you mean ‘up there’?”

“Y’know. To the stars. There’s hundreds of planets up there, all orbiting their own suns. I was wondering if God’s in charge of them too, or if there’s just a different one for each planet. Like maybe there’s a bunch of angel dicks wreaking havoc on some planet a million miles away.”

Cas chuckled. “I don’t know, Dean. I’ve never been that far.”

“Have other angels?”

Cas didn’t know the answer to that. He was realizing he didn’t know the answer to a lot of things lately. They both leaned back against the window, their shoulders touching.

“Look… Cas. I know you said you weren’t there for the exorcism, but I gotta know, did you know who the demon was?”

“I know that it was a demon you knew in Hell.”  
Dean nodded. “More than that. He was my first. The first soul I ever tortured when Alastair took me off that rack.”

“Dean…” 

“No, let me finish, Cas.” Dean said. “So, I just wanted to let you know, that it really was my fault. All of it. That thing, he was a demon because of me. I did that to him. An’ he came back here to see me, because I fucked him up so badly that he wanted to be with me.”

Cas reached down and clutched Dean’s hand, and he could feel it shaking.

“He chose to possess you specifically, because he knew about how I felt about you. And when I thought you were dead…when he said that,” He choked, and wiped at his eyes with his other hand. “It killed me to know that you died because of something I did before we even met. I’m so sorry.”

Cas squeezed his friend’s hand, and after his confession, he felt the need to share something as well.

“I’m in love with you.”

Dean sobbed a laugh. “Please don’t tell me that Cas, not now.”

“I am, though.” Cas said, earnest. “Sam wanted to know if I was ‘disgusted’ by your relationship with the demon, and I was. I didn’t want anyone else near you, least of all him.”  
Dean didn’t say anything, he just held onto Cas’s hand tighter, as if gravity might fail him and he’d float away. His eyes never left the stars.

“I think you’re in love with me too, Dean.” Cas said confidently. “I think I’ve always known. The demon, he had me convinced for a while that you didn’t. That you were only in love with the person that he was pretending to be, but I know better now.” Dean didn't respond. Cas wondered for a few moments if he had gotten it all wrong, if Dean really didn't feel anything towards him.

He kept staring up at the sky, a single tear rolling down his cheek. He sighed a deep, sad sigh, before he finally spoke. “I don’t think I’m ready for any sort of relationship, Cas.” 

The words stung him, but Cas understood. Dean had been hurt, and he also carried a lot of guilt from what happened. Cas shouldn’t expect anything from him.  
He still couldn’t help himself.

“ _Did_ you love me?” he asked quietly. “At some point?”

“I don’t know Cas,” Dean replied, and Cas knew that it was a lie. He had to know. This wasn’t something that he couldn’t know at this point. 

Cas nodded. 

After a few beats, Dean laced their fingers together. Without removing his gaze from the stars, he said, “But, if I do uh, love you that is, I have way before _Fight Club_ ever happened, okay? Long before that.” 

Castiel had never heard a more beautiful usage of the present tense.

“Okay, Dean.”

They stayed out there for a while longer, watching the stars appear one by one. 

They weren’t in any rush, it was okay. 

 

 

 

End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> khoshekhcarlos.tumblr.com


End file.
